Hamlet Pasta Salad minus the Ham

T'is a lie for me to tell thee the sun hath woke me on this very day. Nay, t'was not the sun but the churning of my insides that roused me from dear slumber. Having not more than three winks of sleep, mine mind hath wandered into a fantastical realm of Shakespearean wordplay. For what shall a sleepless maiden maketh of her day when morning cometh too soon? She maketh pasta salad, of course!

As stated above, I woke up sick to my stomach and my brain is running on little sleep. 

Icky guts + sleepy face = weird desire to make pasta salad.

I need to go back to sleep but I thought I'd post this pasta salad as fast as I can before I forget what I put in it (like I did with the chickenless enchiladas I made the other night).

1 pound whole wheat pasta (I used spirals)

half a bottle of Italian dressing

6 oz marinated artichokes, drained 

roasted red peppers, um..like a big scoop of them?

1 onion, chopped

banana peppers, also a big scoop ('big scoop' has been used twice now which makes it an official measurement)

Cook pasta according to directions, drain, toss in a big bowl along with everything else on the list and mix well. I'll edit this later and add calories and junk. Henceforth, I shall goeth back to sleepeth and dreameth of waking later in the day to a giant bowl of this tasty pasta saladeth. Adieu.

edited- I completely forgot to list the spices! Ha! I used-
1 Tbsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp basil
1 tsp parsley

Food Survey

This would help me out with my little dinner menu project.

1. My favorite food is-

2. When eating out for lunch (not dinner), I am more likely to choose-
a. something portable because I'm always on the go.
b. something that will keep me full until dinner.
c. something healthy.
d. something light because I eat a bigger dinner.
e. other

3. I prefer restaurants that serve-
a. new foods often because I like to try new things.
b. the same foods because I like knowing I can get my favorite item there.

4. I would be more willing to eat lunch at an establishment if-
a. my food came with a toy.
b. Pif was in charge of the menu.
c. my foods gave me magical powers.
d. b

5. I eat dinner out because-
a. I hate cooking.
b. to save time because of that 'always on the go' thing.
c. of the atmosphere/social reasons.
d. other.

6. I prefer restaurants (for any meal) that-
a. are fast.
b. are cheap.
c. have slutty waitresses.
d. are fast, cheap, and have slutty waitresses.
e. don't smell like truck drivers and human pee.

7. Pif's survey is rather odd and full of questions that appear to not actually be helpful but I'm taking it anyway because-
a. I'm morbidly curious.
b. I'm under the impression there's a reward at the end.
c. she threatened me and I'm afraid for my life.
d. I'm waiting on my slutty waitress to bring my food and thought I'd kill some time.
e. it's for my psychology class.

8. Question number 8 is awesome because-
a. it's not really a question.
b. it demonstrates the end of Pif's attention span.
c. ducks are cute.
d. eight sounds like ate and this survey is about food.

9. Pif should stick to her day job and not become a professional surveyor because-
a. this survey is pointless.
b. she's easily distracted and can't stay on topic.
c. my slutty waitress is taking forever.
d. *spirit fingers!*

10.  Bachelor number 2, if we were out on a date and I spilled wine on my dress, you would-
a. spill wine on your shirt so we'd match.
b. yell at me for wasting a perfectly good glass of wine.
c. wonder where I got the wine inside a McDonald's.
d. tell me, "it's okay, I hated that dress anyway".
e. throw cheese at me cuz it always goes good with wine.
f. assume I was drunk and take advantage of me in the parking lot.
g. why the hell is this question in a survey about food?!
h. tell the waitress to cancel my chili dog.
i. order me another drink but have it served in a bowl.
j. use the opportunity to grope my chest while you dab the wine with napkins.
k. laugh and point.
l. silently mouth to your mother, "I'm gonna make HER pay for that".
m. ask me to wear a white t-shirt on our next date.
n. whip out your Tide stain pen and save the day.
o. whip out a pair of scissors and cut the stain out.
p. whip out a camera and post pics on facebook.
q. splatter the rest of my dress with wine so it looks like a pattern in the fabric.
r. plan an elaborate scheme to sue the restaurant out of millions.
s. tell me to stop crying, you're trying to eat.
t. comment on how that glass of wine cost more than my dress.
u. rip open your button-up shirt to reveal a spandex superhero outfit and fly me off to a land without stains.
v. use the wine stain as a Rorschach test.
w. tell me, "oh sheesh!...well, at least you're pretty".
x suggest we eat at the old folk's home next time so at least I'll blend in.
y. be tempted to order me pudding.
z. tell me, "at least YOU'RE old enough to drink!"

Eww!

I can't believe it's already been a month since I posted!! Sheesh!! I just wanted to pop in and remind you I'm still alive and share this completely disgusting and twisted little story with you. Just in case someone out there was misled into thinking I'm normal, let me clear that up right now by telling you, in one sentence, what I just did that is guaranteed to make you think "WTF?!". Ready? ..I just went to the pantry to check on my dead maggot collection, which is inexplicably growing.
 WAIT!
 Don't close my page! Let me explain. I have no food in the house because I have no time to make a menu or do my shopping (busy, remember?). I keep my pantry door shut but somehow moths are finding their way in. They lay eggs (which I can't find) that then hatch into what LOOKS like a maggot, but I guess technically they're caterpillars? A few weeks back, I pulled everything out and swept and cleaned the snot out of that stinkin' pantry and yet, they're still popping up. Every time I open my pantry door, there's another dead cater-maggot laying on the shelf. This makes for a very effective diet technique. They'd probably stop dying if there were food in there.
You thought you were gonna get a fun new healthy recipe, huh? Sorry..
Well, I'm off to work! Someone clean the pantry while I'm gone, please!!

Little Side Project

Hey, everyone! Again, I'm sorry I'm not finding the time to post as often as I'd like but let me try to explain just a little bit so you don't think I gave up blogging or I'm just some big slacker. I think I told you last month that a restaurant wanted to feature a dish of mine. Well, scratch that. I made ONE dish for the owner and they decided they wanted me to reinvent their ENTIRE MENU!!! Umm...pressure much?! Basically, I'll be responsible for the success or failure of their business. This is not a restaurant that's having a hard time keeping their heads above water; the owner is just sick of the menu and wants "something fresh". So, I'm working a full time job, going to school, AND working on a restaurant's menu. I think since my last post, I've eaten half an apple and a bowl of cold noodles and I've slept maybe 4 hours. OH! I did get to go buy a new outfit though so I'd look both cute and professional while delivering my proposal to the head honchos. I got the cutest dang shoes on the planet (5 inch heels!..HELLO!) and when I wear them, I'm the tallest woman alive (not really but let me have my moment)! I bought white pants and I rock the snot out of them! I've never owned white pants before so this is going down in my baby book. The head honchos are currently out of town on vacation while I'm diligently working on running their restaurant into the ground, but when they return and I strut on over there with my ridiculously over-the-top presentation and my obsessively anal-retentive organization in my adorable new outfit, I'll try to remember to snap a pic and post it for you. If I forget, just picture me looking fantastic, okay?
I've been absent so long I can't even remember what recipes I've posted for you! Let me jot down two recipes I eat ALL THE TIME just so you've got something new to try. If these are repeats, just nod your head and smile and you can roll your eyes and talk bad about me when I leave the room.

Hot Veggie Sammich
Dash of olive oil (I always use extra virgin cuz it makes me feel like I'm conducting some sacrificial ritual)
1/4 red onion, chopped
1/2 bell pepper (any color you like but I try to go with red or yellow), chopped OR 3 or 4 strips/chunks/blobs..whatever.. of roasted red pepper (usually in a jar found near the pickles or the canned veggies..depending on the store)
1 Tbs capers
3 button mushrooms, sliced
handful of fresh spinach (I leave mine whole but you could chop it if you like)
3 or 4 pieces of canned artichoke (usually found near the roasted red peppers and capers)

Heat the virgin over a flaming pit of soul-hungry demons or in a frying pan on med heat. Add onions and fresh peppers (if using fresh) and cook until they start to soften. I like my veggies still crunchy even after being cooked so I don't cook mine long at all, maybe a minute or two. I know a lot of people like them squishy so if that's you, I hope you're patient enough to saute onions for 5-6 minutes..cuz I'm not. After your onions are done to your liking, toss everything else in the pan and let it cook long enough to turn your spinach into that weird almost liquid-like wilty state it turns into when cooked. This is probably enough for two sandwiches so either be hungry or have a friend. I use Artisan dinner rolls for my bread (found in the freezer section). They're whole wheat, super nummy, bake in 7-9 mins, look fancy, and are big enough to fill me up when I'm not starving but small enough I can eat two when I am and not feel like a fat girl. Oh, and they aren't devastating calorically. You could also add vegan cheese (I'm quite fond of the pepper jack variation) but watch yourself because, even though it's not real cheese, the calories will add up quick! With the cheese left off and using good sense on the bread, this sandwich should run around 200 calories or less.

Salad
Handful of fresh spinach..okay, make it two handfuls
Handful of Romaine or red leaf lettuce (Iceberg has practically no nutritional value..it's basically crunchy water. Pick something darker green.)
Handful of fresh broccoli
1/4 red onion, chopped
Some of that fresh leftover bell pepper from the hot veggie sammich, chopped
Carrots, shredded (I use three baby carrots)
Radishes, chopped (I use two or three)
Tomatoes, grape or cherry (cuz they're cute and one less thing I have to chop)
1/4 cup dried cranberries (watch the calories on this item!)
1/4 cup (or less) of your favorite nuts. Peanuts, almonds, and cashews are my favorite. (high calorie warning!)
Any other vegetable on the planet, chopped

Wash, chop, and toss all that in a big bowl. Now let's talk about dressing options. Bottled dressings are evil. I'm crunched for time this morning (shocking, I know) so I won't be able to go into detail on why they're evil and show you the scientific research to back up my statement; you're just going to have to either believe me or do your own research. If you aren't into research but need more proof, here- "Bottled salad dressings are evil. Listen to Pif." That statement was taken from Dr. Fictitious from the Pseudo Research Laboratory in Spurious, California. There. Believe me now? 
So what are your options? OH! OH! *raises hand and jumps up and down* I KNOW! PICK ME! You actually have more options than you realize. Let me share my two favorite with you (cuz I don't have enough time right now to share more). Pickled dressing and Salsa dressing. Don't look at me like that..they're good! Really!

Pickled Dressing
Jar of your favorite pickles (I use butter pickles that have jalapenos in the jar..they're called sweet and spicy something-or-other)
Jar of Banana peppers
Anything else pickled that comes in a jar that you like. I also use a jar of jalapeno relish.


I dump all this in a mixing bowl, mix them together, sometimes leave the pickles in slices and sometimes I chop them. That was absolutely a horrible sentence structure which included a comma splice but I don't really care. Let's move on. After I mix that together, I then refill the jars in which they came (but I pull the labels off so I don't get confused), making sure I also bottle the juice. I now have three jars of the same pickled salad dressing mix. I like pickles and I like spicy so I'll dump 1/3 or even 1/2 of a jar in my salad at a time (depending on the size of the salad). Tip- divide your salad into your serving before adding the topping. That salad is probably too big for most people to eat in one sitting so use the rest for tomorrow's lunch.

Salsa Dressing
Deep red juicy tomato (buy a tomato from the store and let it sit on the counter for a day or two..it will ripen)
Red onion, chopped
Cilantro
Squirt of lemon or lime juice
Dash of Turmeric (it's a spice..I didn't just make up that word)
Jalapenos, diced (wear gloves and wash your hands half a dozen times when you're done)

Chop your tomato directly over a bowl because you want all your tomato juice. Add all your ingredients (jalapenos are optional if you don't like spicy...but know that spices and food with "heat" actually raise your metabolism) and mix well. Turmeric and lemon juice help to cleanse your liver. Learn to love them.
You now have Salsa which goes deliciously over our salad. Again, I store the dressings separate from the salad so my salad lasts longer in the fridge and doesn't get all soggy from the dressings.

You could eat that entire salad, complete with either of our dressing options, for well under 300 calories (depending on how much nuts and cranberries you add).

Okay, I gotta run out the door! See ya soon!!
xoxox

Is it really June?!?!

Hey, everyone! Sorry I've been absent for the last couple months! I've gotten pretty dang busy and am finding it difficult to find time to post new recipes. I've literally been eating salads and hot veggie sandwiches for months now because I haven't had the time to play with new recipes. I've gotten several awesome sounding recipes via email from a couple different people and I'm dying to try them and write about them on my blog so that's a goal of mine. I currently have two full time jobs and am a full time student as well so eating and cooking have become privileges instead of priorities. So far today I've had a bag of vegan BBQ chips and half a Cherry Coke Zero. As I'm writing this I'm doing a load of laundry, finishing up my homework, making tomorrow's to do list, mentally planning on where I'm going to be putting the new flowers I got a week ago and haven't had time to plant, trying to remember the last time I wore clean clothes, and throwing together my supper before I have to get back to work. Also, I wanted to mention, I've been approached by a local restaurant who wants to feature recipes of mine and has asked for ideas to widen their lunch menu. Anyway, I just wanted you all to know I'm not neglecting my blog on purpose and I am still eating vegan, I just haven't had time to play in the kitchen much lately. I will try to manage my time a little better and perfect my multitasking skills and keep you all updated on recipes and such but please be understanding of my crazy schedule. Thanks! 

Grammy's Banana Bread

This is not vegan but everyone deserves a little treat every now and then! This is a great way to use up those bananas you left sitting out too long and are now too squishy to eat. This also happens to be my Grammy's recipe so I only made one tiny alteration to it (omitted the salt) and I will eat this even though it's not vegan, because it reminds me of her.

1/2 cup margarine
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
3 very ripe bananas
2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sour milk (see below)
pecans are optional

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a bread pan and set aside. Cream together margarine and sugar, add eggs and beat well. Combine your flour and baking soda and mix it well with your egg mixture. Add your milk and mix it again. If you like pecans or walnuts, add them now (probably 1/2 cup). Pour mixture into your greased pan and bake for about an hour. I'm not sure why but sometimes this takes 45 mins and sometimes it takes a full hour. It'll be nice when I get my new oven and can give you better estimates, but until then, just start checking on your bread after 45mins or so! It's done when a knife or toothpick poked in the middle comes out clean.
This entire loaf has 2630 calories so if you cut it into 6 very thick pieces, each would cost you 438 calories. If you cut the loaf into 10 slices, each would run 263 calories. Add more if you added nuts to your mix and add even more if you smothered your slice with butter before you ate it!

A few tidbits for you- baking soda has 1259mg of sodium per tsp so you do not need to add salt to this to get the benefit of the sodium kicking up the flavor. Salt is only added to baked goods for preservation and since the invention of refrigerators and freezers, it's irrelevant. Plus, this bread won't last long enough for it to require preservation. Do your body a favor, and do not add salt to your baked goods!
If you do not have sour milk (and who does these days?), measure 1 cup of fresh milk and add 1 Tbs of either white distilled vinegar OR 1 Tbs fresh lemon juice and allow it to sit for a few minutes before adding it to your dough. It will thicken up and get a little lumpy but it blends beautifully and seems less icky than spoiled milk.  

Circus Clown Car Peppers

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up!! Here before your very eyes is a recipe guaranteed to blow your face off! Or make your nose run, at minimum. Direct from whichever foreign country appeals to you the most, I give you the Beautiful.... the Alluring... the Delicious Ancient Sweet Red Pepper....

And it's sideways...*sigh*..pretend it's not, k?
Not only does this pepper make fire engines jealous, but it can also juggle six elephants while riding a motorcycle blindfolded, has the ability to swallow flaming swords while jumping upside down on this massive trampoline, AND is able to knit the cure for cancer out of mere pocket lint and some dental floss while pedaling a ferocious lion with one foot!
Ladies, I ask you not to scream and gentlemen, hold on to your hats! I give you....CIRCUS CLOWN CAR PEPPERS!!
*cue circus music*

3 Ancient Sweet Peppers (taste very similar to regular red bell peppers)
1/4 cup dry Quinoa
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup dates, chopped
3 green onion stalks, chopped
1 can (14 oz) diced tomatoes with chilies (this is what added the nose-watering kick, NOT the peppers)
1 can (15 oz) black beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 tsp curry
3 Tbs almond slices

Preheat oven to 375*.
Wash off your peppers and slit them open on one side, leaving stems intact. There aren't many seeds in these so it won't take long to scoop them out. Put your peppers into a baking dish and set aside.
In a ridiculously large bowl, add your Quinoa and water and toss it in the microwave for 6 minutes. If you chose to use a medium bowl instead of the ridiculously large one like I suggested, congrats...you get to clean out the microwave.
While that's making a mess in the microwave, stand there and wait cuz there's no sense in getting two bowls dirty.
After your Quinoa has finished decorating the inside of the microwave, go ahead and add the remaining ingredients (except the almonds) to your little bowl...ya, you'll use a bigger one next time, huh? Mix it well and scoop it into your peppers. This divided almost perfectly to fill three peppers. I think I had a bean and a half left over in the bowl. Sprinkle a Tbs of almond slices on top of each pepper and bake for 15-20 mins or until heated through and peppers are tender.
These vegan delights are just 270 calories per pepper and super yummy!! How did I get so much flavor in 270 calories?!? Well, my friends, THAT is why these peppers are Circus Clown Car Peppers..cuz I have no idea how I got it all in there!! Actually, the dash of curry and the dates really made this dish. Leave either of those out and I'll sick my ferocious lion on you.

Flesh Eating Dumplings

I had a busy day yesterday and ended up missing lunch so by the time dinner came around I wanted to eat something that would turn to cement in my stomach but not cause a calorie overload. So I made dumplings! I'll post both with and without meat versions-

2 cups all purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
a blob of shortening (frik! I forgot to measure again! I'd guess about 1/3 cup?)
1/2 cup milk (Vegans use soy milk)
black pepper
You don't need salt, don't even look at the salt, forget salt exists!!
32oz Broth- vegans use veggie broth, meaties use chicken
Meat Eaters- you'll also need chicken! I'd probably use a pound, cut into bite sizes.

Meaties-
Put a dab of shortening (about 1 Tbs) in a large pot and add your chicken once it's melted. Cook it a few minutes but not all the way through, just until most of the outside has turned white but you wouldn't eat it just yet. Add your broth and let that heat up while you work on your dough. Your broth will finish cooking the chicken without it turning to shoe leather.
Vegans- heat your veggie broth in a large pot while working on your dough.

Dough-
In a large bowl add your flour, baking powder which is way up on the top shelf and always takes several minutes of me tippy toe dancing before I've managed to maneuver it enough to make it fall into my hand, and your blob of shortening. Mix this together. I use my hands cuz I really like using my hands. *wink wink*
Once that's mixed, add your milk and stir until a dough forms. I actually added another small splash of milk to mine so use your judgement. You could probably use a standing mixer for this but I'm not fancy enough to use gadgets so I just used a wooden spoon.
Take your dough and divide it into small sections so it's easier to work with. Roll each section into a snake but I'm talking a little garter snake, not a giant anaconda or anything. My snakes were about 1/2 inch in diameter and I then cut them into 1-inch pieces. These will swell considerably in the broth so keep them small.
If your broth is boiling by now, you can go ahead and toss your snake chunks in there! Pepper to your liking, cover and cook for 5-8 minutes.
Pay attention- when you take off the lid and ladle this into your bowl, make sure when you pour, it's directly into the bowl and NOT on your damn pinky finger cuz it burns the flesh right off and that has potential to ruin your night. So I hear.

The dumplings serve 6 and weigh in at only 264 calories per serving! Not bad, huh? If you add chicken (boneless skinless chicken breast) it's about 85 calories more per serving so a total of 349!
You could also add onion, celery, carrots, leek, all kinds of yummy veggies but I left mine plain out of urgency to put food in my face.

Lemonpalooza Pasta

Well I've been debating since yesterday if I wanted to blog about this recipe or not. It's good...for about half a serving. I love lemon and lemony things but even this got to be too much for me toward the end there! Hmmm...to post or not to post..?
I haven't made anything awesome lately and need to catch up on my blog! I've noticed I'm a little more picky about what I post now that people are actually telling me they're trying them! Ack! ...OKAY!..here's what I'll do! I'll post the original recipe and then note what I'll try next time, sound good?

The recipe is actually called Lemon Butter Chicken (listen up, meat eaters!) and it really was good! Just was a lot of flavor. My first reaction was, "MMMMMM!!!" but by the time I finished half my bowl I was thinking, "this would go great with plain toast...or a power wash to the tongue". I didn't have meat in mine so maybe it would dilute the lemon with the meat in it?
Anyway, let's get started! This is NOT a recipe for someone who hates to cook. It's not hard at all but there's like..four steps! So if you're looking for a "boil pasta, add canned spaghetti sauce, eat" kind of meal, this isn't it.

For the butter sauce you will need-
1/4 cup white wine
1 lemon (next time I'll use HALF a lemon!)
Heavy Cream (Vegans, I used Tofutti's Better Than Cream Cheese)
1 cup butter (Vegans use margarine) and you probably don't need this much! Next time I'm halving this!

MEAT EATERS ONLY-
4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves
4 oz bacon
flour

Vegetarian/Vegan alternatives to the meat-
Broccoli would be awesome!
Quartered cherry tomatoes would rock!

Everybody all together now-
Pasta (I used 1/2 box or 8oz mini farfalle because I love food that dresses up like a Chippendale dancer!)
olive oil
pepper
mushrooms (I used fresh but you could use canned if you like)
jar (6 oz) of artichoke hearts, drained
2 tsps capers, drained

We'll start with the meat eaters version-
Take your nasty hunk of dead animal (chicken) and cut it into whatever designs you like. You could get creative and do a Mona Lisa chicken but I think I'd probably stick with chunks or strips. Toss it around in a bag full of flour (maybe 1/4-1/2 cup?) and pepper (1 tsp-ish).
Take your dead pig and cut it into small unrecognizable pieces so when his family comes by to identify the body, they'll have to go by his dental records.
Heat your oil in a pan and fry your dead animals. You could do chicken first, pig first, both at the same time..don't think it really matters. Fry until cooked through.
Set your dead animals aside on paper towels to drain. In the same pan add the GOOD stuff..you know, the mushrooms, capers, and artichokes!
VEGANS AND VEGETARIANS START HERE- Add a dash of olive oil or margarine in a pan and add your mushrooms, capers, and artichokes and any other veggies you wanted to add (see above suggestions). Use as many mushrooms as you want. I needed to get rid of half a carton of them so I put in quite a bit. Stir this around a bit but keep your eye on it because it browns fast! I took mine off the heat so it wouldn't get icky while I worked on my sauce.
EVERYBODY ALL TOGETHER NOW- Get a pot of water boiling and add your little bow ties.
In a saucepan, add your white wine and lemon juice and bring it to a boil. Cook this until it's reduced 1/3. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THIS BECAUSE IT REDUCES MUCH FASTER THAN I EXPECTED!! Sorry, didn't mean to yell at you but I wanted to get your attention. Seriously though, don't walk away from that pan!  Once it's reduced, you can add your cream or vegan cream cheese and let it blend a few minutes. You can add anywhere from 5 Tbs to 8 Tbs depending on how creamy you like it but remember- this crap is high in calories! Speaking of high in calories, let's add the butter!! Butter has around 1600 calories per cup. Awesome, huh? There's roughly 1200 in a cup of margarine. That just seems ridiculous to me! Gah! So your sauce is going to be the major calorie contributor here! I went with the full cup of margarine when I made this so I could try the 'real' recipe and figure out how I wanna tweak it for next time. If you LIKE the taste, use the whole cup. If you're indifferent, use half! It'll save you a few laps around the block!! Now that we've discussed butter and it's consequences, put it in your sauce. The method of which you add it to your sauce is controversial because a food snob will tell you to chill it, cut it into little pieces and add a piece at a time and allow to melt before adding another piece to prevent it from separating or some crap.. whatever. I added a stick at a time cuz I'm unrefined. Mine melted just smashingly and I had no separation anxiety.
Your sauce is now ready to go so you can pour half of it in your pan of veggies. MEAT EATERS- put your dead animals in the saucy veggies now and mix it all up! The rest of your sauce can be served on the side or poured in your pasta..oh crap! The pasta! Get your pasta off the heat and drain it. Whew! I almost let it turn to mush! Scoop your pasta into a bowl and ladle your lemony veggies (and dead animals) on top and devour!
This recipe makes six servings so invite some lemon-loving friends over to help you eat it! Here are your calorie contents (roughly)-

Murderer version- 660 calories
Vegan version- 350 calories

I'm not dead

I'm being forced to blog by gunpoint today. For those of you who depend on me to guide you in proper nutrition and delectable vegan dishes, please see all posts up until now. For those of you who just want to know what I ate since my last post, here's a list-

1. leftovers
2. gas station chocolate covered peanuts
3. crap that didn't turn out well enough to blog about

I will tell you that as an aspiring vegan, I don't think I've made it a full day without eating some kind of dairy or meat product thanks to my inability to check packages for nutritional information before hurling it down my gullet. And there is one food I miss terribly that I will be tinkering with until I find a good vegan substitute and that is cream cheese stuffed jalapenos wrapped in bacon and grilled to earthly perfection! If you know a good vegan substitute for this, DON'T TELL ME! I wanna figure it out on my own!! But it WILL happen and I WILL consume mass quantities when it does! And for future use, if there's ever anything you want me to eat, stuff it in a grilled jalapeno and it's as good as gone!

*edited*
Here's a quick lunch idea that I eat semi-often. It's crazy simple for days you feel like being lazy.

bread *vegan alert!* (check labels!)
avocado- peeled and squished
1/2 lemon
pepper

Squirt your half lemon on your squished avocado (you should probably put it in a bowl first though), sprinkle with pepper and mix well. Spread on your bread and slide in the oven on 350* or 400* til your bread is toasted and your green squish is heated through.

Fake Sushi

Here's a fun recipe I make often. I love everything about this. I love rice, I love veggies, I love seaweed, I love grossing out other people...but there's actually no meat in this at all so don't get your panties in a bunch that I'm making you eat raw fish. This is just an exotic version of a veggie sandwich, k?
If you've never made sushi (or fake sushi) before, it's fun but there's a bit of technique involved. WAIT! DON'T LEAVE YET! I'll hold your hand through this whole process, you big baby! Let's start with the rice, cuz that's the tricky part.
Splurge on getting some sushi rice. It's a little more expensive than plain boring rice but it's fun cuz it's sticky! And it'll actually be a lot easier to keep your fake sushi from falling apart if you use sushi rice. You'll also need seasoned rice wine vinegar. Plain rice wine vinegar will work if you have it on hand and don't wanna buy yet another bottle of something you won't use often. I, myself, have an entire pantry shelf JUST FOR bottles of vinegars and condiments (I do a lot of pickling too) so you could always just come over and borrow some of mine.
Depending on how many people you're making this for (or how many rolls you want), you'll need to figure out how much rice you wanna make. Let's say you wanna make three rolls (which you then cut into the little slices you're used to seeing sushi in). This will either feed one very hungry person, two women who are trying not to look like pigs even though they're pretty hungry, three kids, or six Asians. At 1/2 cup prepared rice per roll, you'll need 1.5 cups prepared rice total (did you see how fast I did the math for that?!) so you'll want around 1/2 cup uncooked rice because this rice will go Godzilla on you and expand like a nuclear mutated lizard.
Before we start cooking, I need to go change my outfit real quick...excuse me...
*returns wearing a ridiculously tight kimono*
Okay! Let's begin!

3 Fake Sushi Rolls-
3 sheets of nori (seaweed paper)
1/2 cup dry sushi rice
1 Tbs seasoned rice wine vinegar
Fun Stuff (we'll get to this in a minute)

Your sushi rice is a little OCD and has a specific routine he likes to follow. He starts his day off with a cold shower so rinse him off until the water runs clear (it'll look a little cloudy at first). He loves hanging out in a medium saucepan with between 2/3 and 3/4 cup cold water (me and my exact measurements, huh?). Put him on high heat and get his jacuzzi going but then cover him and leave him alone for 20mins or he'll scream in Japanese at you. After 20 mins (or all the liquid is absorbed), remove him from the heat but let him hang out in his pot another 10 mins cuz he really likes it in there. After he's done relaxing, toss him in a large bowl and sprinkle him with the rice wine vinegar. I use a wooden spoon to mix it all up but you can use your hands too if you want.
Lay out your nori wrappers on wax paper or plastic cling wrap (I use the cling wrap to aid in grip). Divide your rice into three equal portions (should be about 1/2 cup) and plop that down on your nori. NOW, get yourself a little bowl of water or leave the tap on a trickle so you can keep your fingers wet! If you don't wet your fingers, there's no way on God's green planet you will get this rice onto your paper! Wet your fingers and push the rice around to cover your nori paper. This may take a minute so don't get frustrated. If you need to leave the room and count to ten, do so. Your fingers will be covered in rice no matter what you do so just accept it now and be prepared to find random rice kernels on your elbow in about an hour.
Okay! We now have our rice on our nori paper, right?! Here's where we get to the fun part! So far, what you have is about 95 calories so keep that in mind as you add your filling. I have an adorable neighbor who's from Thailand and she puts Thai mayonnaise on her rice. Thai mayonnaise is bitchin' and I LOVE that stuff! It, however, has fish extracts and whole eggs in it so it's a vegan alert. It's also 90 calories a Tbs so not terribly good for you but if you need a little help choking down your veggies, this is a good place to start! Another non-vegan route would be cream cheese. You could either spread it on your rice (bahaha! good luck with that!) or cut it into skinny strips and lay it across your rice. An ounce of cream cheese is 100 calories so keep track! It's easier to buy the kind that comes in a box cuz you can divide it following the lines on the package. The kind that comes in a plastic tub is a little harder to measure by ounce.
As far as veggies go, think of salad! Whatever you'd put in a salad, you can put in your sushi. Pile it high with spring mix lettuce, sliced cucumber, shredded carrots, fresh chopped basil, avocado, bell pepper, sprouts, anything crunchy or not too juicy. Tomatoes would probably be a little too juicy and would make your roll come undone. After you've added whatever veggies you want, now you get to roll it!
Start by hopping up and down in place for 20 seconds and chanting "I GOT THIS!" to pump yourself up. Then, grab two corners of your nori and scream at it, "WE'RE GONNA DO THIS MY WAY! YOU GOT THAT, NORI!". If you bought the nori that only speaks Japanese, here's a translation for you, "picture of a stick figure playing the saxophone, upside down number four, a stick and a number two with a hat, comma, equals sign, fortune cookie, telephone pole and a triangle, fortune cookie, a stick figure of a guy running with his arms stretched out, sideways smiley face, upside down Y with an equals sign running through it, stick figure jumping over a crocodile's face, Egyptian crook and flail, the number three, a laughing profile, a duck licking an upside down candy cane, Lucy's (from Charlie Brown) hairdo, floating comma, and a swirly number three".
Start rolling that bad boy, using whatever appendages you need to control your filling and keep it from escaping. I start my sushi roll and then use the cling wrap to tightly roll it all up and then I let it sit there and think about what it's done and come up with some ways it could be more cooperative next time. After a few minutes in time out, I unroll him from the cling wrap and slice him into pieces or sometimes just eat him as a giant roll. When I do cut it into cute little sushi-like circles, I cut a whole roll into 6 pieces so they're cute but thick enough not to fall apart. I eat mine with a big blob of wasabi (15 calories per tsp).

Nori and 1/2 cup cooked sushi rice- 95 calories

fillings-
cream cheese- 100 calories per ounce
Thai mayonnaise- 90 calories per Tbs

spring mix lettuce- 7 calories per cup (rounded up!)
cucumber- 16 calories per cup (peeled)
carrots- 35 calories for 1 medium raw
basil- 1 calorie per 1/4 cup
bell pepper- 30 calories per whole medium raw
avocado- 289 calories per 1 whole raw
alfalfa sprouts- 7 calories per ounce
mung beans- 31 calories per cup

German Zoup

Vell, here ve are again. Anozer day, anozer recipe! Today fur mittagessen, I made lentil zoup! It is vegetarian und very delicious! Vun sing you should know is ze lentils do not reqvire zoaking like beanz do but zis recipe is best made in a crock pot zo you don't have to babyzit it. Vhat I did, vas to schet it all up bevore bedtime, zat vay, it vas ready fur mein mittagessen ze next day! Zuper idea, no?
I schtarted with a bag ov dry lentils. I put zem in mein schwartz crock pot on low vith 64oz ov vegetable bross. I added schliced carrots, zome schliced zelery, und zome onion.. schliced. Here are all ze zeazonings I added-
2 tsps Vorchesterschire zauce
1/2-1 tsp garlic powder
1 Tbs hot zauce
1 tsp caravay zeed
1 tsp zelery zalt
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 Tbs parzley
1 bay leaf
I vould recommend you cook it fur 8 hours or zo. Zis makes zeveral zervings, probably about 8, und is about 220 calories per zerving! It vould be awezome vith a schlice of crusty bread or vorld domination. Und now fur ze German translation fur all mein German friends!-

Guten tag! Mein Deutsch ist crap so vorgeben es ist gut, k? Heute ich habe suppe fur Mittagessen. Es ist vegetarisch und gut! Linsen brauchen kein wasser uber nacht wie Bohnen (ich hoffe das macht sinn). Aber ich machte mir in einem crockpot uber nacht sowieso.

475 mL Linsen
2 L bruhe
240 mL Mohren
240 mL Sellerie
240 mL Zwiebel
10 mL Worcestershire sauce
15 mL hot sauce
5 mL selleriesalz
2.5 mL nutmeg (ich vergass wie das zu sagen)
15 mL parsley (und dies)
1 bay leaf (und auch dies...bay blatt?)
5 mL garlic powder (und alle meine Deutsch)
5 mL caraway seeds (ich habe vergessen wieder)

Koch fur acht stunden bei schwacher hitze. Essen nicht das blatt.

Three for the Price of One

You never know what you're gonna find in my greenveggina! You just gotta peek in and hope for the best! Tonight, you lucked out! You're getting THREE recipes in one blog! Are you super excited or what?
Let's start with the asparagus (we'll do this alphabetically, k?). I had a bunch (a bundle? a head? a herd? a colony? lemme go google that real quick...k, it's a 'bundle') a bundle of asparagus that needed attention before much longer and a...(lemme go google)..a troop of mushrooms. A troop of mushrooms?! How cute is that! Now I'm absolutely imagining them dressed in uniforms standing at attention.

All mushrooms are to report to duty at 1800 hours. They will stand in formation in the kitchen sink and prepare themselves for Eradication of all Foreign Materials (EFM) whether they be chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear by way of Underwater Deployment (UD). Upon completion of EFM, all mushroom personnel will report to the Cutting Board (CB) for Parallel Division (PD) carried out by the Kitchen Sabre Squad (KSS). Mushroom personnel will then await further orders.
The asparagus battalion will complete EFM and report to CB for PD by the KSS. All asparagus and mushroom personnel will then report to the Baking Vehicle (BV) for a briefing with Sergeant Olive Oil and Corporal Rosemary. The BV will then be loaded into the Centralized Heat Facility (CHF) for such time as their commanding officer deems fit (10-15 mins at 450 degrees). Their mission is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 68 calories per serving.

The onion battalion is to pick one volunteer to complete PD. Once PD is complete, Private Onion is to report to Stove Top Containment (STC) with Sergeant Olive Oil for Heat Application Training (HAT) along with two volunteers from the garlic battalion. Upon completion of HAT, Private Onion and Privates Garlic will be joined with (3/4 cup) Master Sergeant Rice for Submerged Tactics (ST) at Fort Vegetable Broth (2 cups). Once Fort training has been absorbed, Chemical Warfare Training will begin, including but not limited to 2 cans of drained Ninja Beans, 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper, and 1/2-1tsp Cumin assault. The objective is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 233 calories per serving.

Two pounds of Red Potato Hand Grenades will be disassembled and submerged and heated in neutral liquid territory for the duration of ten whole minutes, at which time they will then be deployed to Colander Camp for Drainage Training (DT). Upon certification of DT, they will be relocated to Attractive Storage Containment Facilities (ASCF) and camouflaged in Liquefied Margarine and Parsley (LMP) (5Tbs margarine to 2tsp parsley). The objective is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 170 calories per serving.

Ninja Breakfast

Top five reasons black beans are villains-

1. they have more enemies than friends
2. they're dressed like ninjas
3. they only leave their lair to wreak havoc
4. they taste like delicious evil
5. they are capable of producing a gas that can render a grown man unconscious

Tonight I wanted to feed my inner villain. So I made a breakfast that only a Mexican Mafia Ninja Assassin Street Thug would eat! If you like spicy, continue to read. If you are vegan or a strict vegetarian, you can skip this one. If you're a wimpy cry baby sissy puss that can't stand heat, go play with your dolls. If you get heartburn, go get a Pepcid AC and come back. This recipe is for macho burly tough guys who are watching their figures.  If you ever found yourself wondering what bad guys eat, this is it!

Homemade bad guy salsa-
2 tomatoes, chopped (I used one red and one brown)
1/2 lime, squeezed
3 green onions, chopped
1 jalapeno, chopped (get one with an attitude problem)
1 still-beating heart of a human sacrifice (optional)

Mix this all together and set aside in the fridge if you're into food safety, leave it out on the counter top if you're hardcore, or on a breezy window sill next to a petri dish full of Ebola virus if you're effing insane.

1 can ninja beans, drained (may be in disguise as 'black beans')
2 chipotle chilies in adobo sauce*, chopped (my computer has 'chipotle' underlined like it's spelled wrong and suggested I change the spelling to 'Chippendale'...so henceforth, chipotle will be known as Chippendale!)
1 white corn tortilla (more if you plan on feeding your fellow henchmen)
1 egg (see parenthesis above)
a fingertip grab of shredded monterey jack cheese ("a fingertip grab" is an official measurement starting now)

Heat a dash of oil in a pan and add garlic (oh ya! garlic! pretend '2 cloves of garlic' is listed above!), heat until starting to brown. Add ninja beans and your saucy Chippendale peppers. Heat through and add a shot glass of water if it gets too thick/dry for your liking.
While that's heating up, put your tortillas on a baking sheet and sprinkle with a little cheese. Toss in oven at 350 degrees just until your cheese has melted, top with about 2-3 big spoonfuls of your saucy Chippendale ninja mix. You should probably kill a pedestrian or shoot your neighbors window out with a rocket launcher right about now to secure your place as a hardened criminal. In a separate pan, fry your egg to your liking (I like to watch mine bleed when I stab it). I actually put my salsa on top of my beans and then added my egg but I believe vice versa would also be acceptable in most villain circles.
This bad boy weighs in at around 374 calories a serving so you don't have to worry about outgrowing your black spandex and matching cape!


*I just wanted to make this clear because the Chippendale peppers are what add the spice, I bought a can of them and only used two peppers, NOT two cans of peppers!! If you use more than two peppers, it's possible your intestines will fall out. If this happens, let me know and I'll tell you how to make sausage.

Homicide Cookies

I thought it'd be a good idea to make some low-calorie cookies tonight since dinner was so under budget, however, I'm saddened to tell you, while I was mixing the butter with the sugar...*sniff*..my 12-yr old hand mixer passed away. *wipes tears* I mean, I knew he was getting on in years but I wasn't expecting him to pass on so suddenly. *blows nose* One minute he was playing in the butter, and the next..*looks away from the camera*..I'm sorry, just gimme a min...
So here's the recipe for the murderous cookies that can BURN IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE!! *runs off sobbing* I HATE YOU, COOKIES!...

2 sticks butter or margarine
1/2 cup sugar
1 large egg  *Vegan Alert!*
1 tsp vanilla (I make my own..remind me to tell you how sometime)
2 3/4 cup flour
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup crushed hazelnuts
Nutella

Cream together the slaughterous sugar and the massacre margarine. Add your exterminating egg and your villainous vanilla. Mix together your felony flour and bloodshed baking soda and add it to your sugar/egg mixture..but mix it by HAND so it doesn't kill your poor defenseless geriatric hand mixer!
Scoop out 1/2 tsp of disasterous dough ball and place on cookie sheet. Fill your cookie sheet with these cutthroat cookie blobs and then go find the heaviest, meanest flat surface you have (I used the bottom of a drinking glass..full of dynamite)! Dip the end of your weapon in sugar and then smash the hell out of those damned ruffians! Once you have demobilized them, shove them into a blazing hot (350*) oven of death and leave them there until they have stopped screaming (about 8-9 minutes).
To make the tops, do the same thing but after pulverizing them with your sugar-coated instrument of torture, sprinkle them with the crushed hazelnuts. Then burn them alive like you did the last batch. To assemble, spread 1/2 tsp of Nutella on the bottom cookie and top with one of the nut-covered cookies. This should make around 6 dozen cookies, and cost you only 65 calories per sandwich. But don't let that deceive you! These evil circles of doom will wreak havoc and distruction on you. It's best if you drown them in milk and get rid of their bodies as quickly as possible.

Diet Air Soup

I made a soup tonight that I'm gonna share with you because it's good, it's (sort of) vegetarian/vegan, and it's 174 CALORIES PER SERVING!! THAT'S LIKE DIET AIR!! It serves six very hungry people and you could literally eat the whole pot for less than a fast food meal!
I bought a bag of pasta a while back because it was adorable (the little stars like in your Chicken and Stars soup) but then became a vegetarian and didn't really feel like making chickenless free-range organic peta-approved chicken-flavored broth and stars soup. Kind of loses it's gusto, huh? So I was talking to my vegan friend, Bean, a few days ago about my diet and ways to substitute meat for un-meat and she brings up beans and the magical properties of them. After that, I made my dinner menu and it seems like everything I came up with has beans in it! I'm fairly certain after this week, with all the magical properties I'll be absorbing, I'm gonna reach a new level of vegetarian magic and start shitting rainbows!

1 cup dry star-shaped pasta (also called Stelle or Stelline..the brand I bought was Colavita)
1 can low-sodium kidney beans
1 can diced tomatoes (I used Rotel tomatoes and green chilies)
1 medium onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced (anybody wanna make out?)
1 envelope vegetable beef soup mix (I couldn't find any vegetable)
6-8 cups water (depending on how soupy you like it)

In a large pot, saute your onions in as little oil as you can get away with. Add enough garlic to melt a clan of vampires and let that cook just a few minutes. Add your magic beans, tomatoes, soup mix and water. Let this simmer a little bit (20 mins or so?) and add pasta. Now, this adorable little pasta stuck to the bottom of my pan, for some reason, and I let it sit for too long and it swelled up into cosmic soup-eating sponges! I had hardly ANY water left in my pot! This is the third exclamation point I've used in a row!
When I make this again, I'll make the pasta separately instead of adding it to the soup. Also, 1 cup dry pasta makes a LOT of cooked pasta. It tasted fine but be prepared to have leftovers or make less.
I wanted to find some kind of vegetable soup mix to use as a flavoring and looked in the soup aisle and the seasoning aisle before finally finding this stuff. It's good and it's actually a little spicy, but it has a hint of beef in it. It's not like there's a steak floating around in there but the ingredients list "beef extracts" which makes me think there's like cow sweat or something in there. It's not technically vegetarian/vegan unless you use vegetable soup mix but I couldn't find any and since there's no meat added and it's just excrement of cow, I'm pretending it's vegetarian, k?
Moving on, I made myself a salad buffet to go with this. I chop my veggies as I buy them and store them all separately in tupperware in my fridge so it's easier to add them to my dishes. So I had a plate of salad (very little dressing) and a slice of garlic toast (the kind you buy in the freezer section) and had a very filling meal for 424 calories!!! DID YOU HEAR ME?! A WHOLE MEAL FOR 424 CALORIES!! THAT MAKES ME TYPE IN ALL CAPS!!

Spinach Enchiladas Verde

I stole this recipe from a vegetarian cook from Austin, TX that goes by the name Nicegirl512 on allrecipes.com. I thought her recipe was effing delicious and I didn't change a thing! Usually on cooking websites, cooks will post a picture of themselves or part of a real name. She didn't post either so I get to use my imagination and invent her myself! In my head, Nicegirl512 is tall and lean (she's a vegetarian, you know), has dark hair, tan skin (she lives in TX!), looks awesome in cowboy boots and cut off shorts, has a pet Border Collie named Rufus, loves book stores, uses recycled shopping bags, paints in her spare time, and leaves change for the crippled kids fund at the local gas station (she's 'nice', remember?). And her real name is Julie.
Julie starts her mornings by taking Rufus for a jog around the neighborhood, going through the park and waving at all the usual people. She gets home, feeds and waters the dog, and gets ready for work. She's a dental assistant for Dr. Bleedinggums and a favorite of all the patients. She always has an extra pen handy and knows the current date. She even hands out free samples of the new floss when the Dr. isn't looking.
She's a hard worker but knows to leave work at work and focus on her real life when she leaves the office. She gets in her old but reliable pickup and heads home, stopping at the local market on her way to pick up stuff for dinner tonight, which she will be serving to a few friends. Here's her list-

1 cup light sour cream

1 (7 ounce) can green salsa

1 bunch fresh spinach, rinsed and thinly sliced

2 cups shredded Monterey Jack cheese

1 (10 ounce) package corn tortillas

I literally copied and pasted that from allrecipes.com! So that technically IS her list!! She says bye to Dana, the checkout girl with bad skin and Ebert, the 98-yr old bagger that moves slower than snail snot but is too cute to fire.

Rufus is thrilled to see her when she walks in so she stops to pet him and tell him what a good boy he is for not eating the throw pillows and then lets him out to play in the backyard. Her friends won't be here for another hour and dinner only takes 35 mins to make so she has time to change from her work scrubs to something cute and casual.

Back in the kitchen she preheats her oven to 350 degrees and washes the spinach. She mixes the sour cream with the green salsa and puts a thin layer of it in a 9x13 dish. Then she spreads a little of it on each tortilla and sets the rest aside. She divides her spinach evenly among all the tortillas and tops them all with the cheese. Then she rolls them each like burritos and lines them up in her dish. It's that baking dish that her mom gave her when she turned 18 and moved out so she's thinking of her mom's cooking while she's making her own. She tops it all with the rest of the sauce and cheese and puts it in her preheated oven for 20-25 mins, or until it starts to brown and all the cheese has melted.

Dinner's ready just as her friends arrive. Rachel, Carrie, and Abel all arrive together but Will shows up five minutes later in his own car because he just bought it so he feels it's necessary to drive it everywhere even tho carpooling is better for the environment. Carrie tells Julie she loves her hair and Julie tells her about her new shampoo while Rachel plays with Rufus. Abel heads to the kitchen to put away the bottle of white wine he brought over while Will is pulling a beer out of the fridge. Will uses Julie's favorite dish towel to twist the cap off, which it snags, and he tosses it on the floor in the corner.

Rachel says dinner smells awesome and Julie offers to dish it all up on her new handmade plates she picked up at a nearby Indian Reservation for three times as much as you could buy at Pier1 Imports because the lady that was selling them was adorable. Will complains there's not a side dish so Julie puts some corn chips and salsa on the table to which Will complains it's not his favorite brand. Julie suggests maybe next time he can supply the chips and she cheerily offers plates to Abel, Rachel, and Carrie.  

Everyone is enjoying supper and Julie informs them it's only 321 calories per serving when Will spots Julie's Wii and says he's the ultimate champion at Wii Baseball and sets it all up to prove it to everyone, even though they all told him they were sure he was and he didn't need to prove anything. Will immediately begins to complain that her Wii is different and the controls don't work right, even though the game hasn't even started yet. Also, her Wii is slower and "looks dirty". Julie takes the girls and Abel to the bathroom to show them the new color she painted and how she framed in her mirror herself to give it a whole fresh look for under $50. Everyone is impressed and telling her what a great interior decortator she is while Will is swinging his arms around like an epileptic monkey and cussing at the video game. Tired of looking like an ass, Will blames his score on Julie's dirty Wii and pulls another beer from the fridge.

An hour and seven beers later, Will is teasing Rufus by "pretending" to set his tail on fire with a lighter even though Julie has asked him to stop three times now. She also asked him to please not feed Rufus any more salsa and to use the bathroom inside and stop urinating on the begonias. Annoyed with Will's deteriorating behavior, Abel tells him he's had too much to drink and he needs to just sit down and relax. This annoys Will, as he's too drunk to understand big words like 'deteriorating'. Will tells Abel to piss off and Abel tries to calm him down by singing Kumbaya. Will hates Kumbaya and uses an empty beer bottle as a weapon, swinging it around as awkwardly as he had the Wii controller earlier that night. He gets a little too close to hitting Julie in the head with it so Abel uses his 12 years of martial arts experience to subdue Will by throwing a chair at his face. It works and Will is knocked unconscious. Abel apologizes to Julie for getting blood on her chair but Julie says it's fine and not to worry about it at all, then offers A Bitchin' Fruit Snack as dessert and they all head to the kitchen for homemade cinnamon chips and fruit salsa. Rufus sees his opportunity to seek revenge on Will and walks over and pees on his face. Will, too drunk and unconscious to move, drowns on the dog piss but nobody realizes that until the next morning.

The moral of the story is, this dinner is really good but if you make it, don't invite Will. He's an ass.   

Frogmore Stew

OOOOOOHH-WEEEEEEE!!! Do I have a treat fer y'all!!! This here recipe is wat we cawl "Frogmore Stew" but don't yew go worrying yur purty little head over nothin', it ain't got no frogs in it! There are a few things yew'll need in order to fix this here dish. For one, you gotta have indoor plumbin'. Have ya got indoor plumbin'? If not, yew can always go on down yonder to the Jenkin's farm. I hear they got themselves a real dandy of a sink right there in their kitchen! So yur gonna take a big ol' pot and fill it with warter, like several quarts of warter. Get that there pot a warter on the fire, or stove if yur real fancy, and get it goin' good n hot. Yew know that there seasonin' called Old Bay? Well, it ain't go no calories! YEE-HAW! So go on ahead and put enough of that there Old Bay in yur hot warter to choke a mule! I'm talkin' 2/3 to 3/4 cup of it! I ain't playin' 'round now! Go on and put it in there! Then, yur gonna put in some ears of corn. I hear nowadays you'ens can get it all frozen like. Like it done snowed in Jew-lie! So go on and get yurself some of that there snowed-in corn (I like the half ears) and put it in yur boilin' seasoned warter. Go on down to Bob's garden and see if he'll give ya some of his homegrown poe-taters! The ones with the red skin, if he's got 'em! Take as many as he'll give ya and warsh them in the river on yur way home. Go on and quarter them and put as many in yur pot there as yew want. When all the cousins stop on by, I have myself a right big crowd so I'ma always puttin' in lots a taters!
Some of those weird city folk don't like eatin' nothin' but veggies so if yur one a them and yew ain't eatin' any meat, like steak or pork chops, y'all can have this as a side dish for yur salad or chicken. If'n yew ain't one of them folk, yew can go on ahead and add some snowed-in shrimp after yew done let your corn and taters cook a minute (or ten). Go on an add yur shrimp and then chop up some smoked sausage. I like that skinless kind cuz I ain't got no teeth to be chewin' it with. You'ens can get watever kind ya like. Put that there in yur pot and let it heat up just long enough to go take a turn swingin' from the rope at the river and come on back.
Now wat yur gonna do is to put one of them bowls with holes in it in yur slop bucket, or sink if yur one a the Jenkins, and dump yur whole pot in so all the warter drains out but yew still got yur supper. Roll out some newspaper on yur table and dump that all over yur paper and let all yur cousins just dive on in there and help themselves! And yew got yurself a real swell supper that the whole town's gonna be talkin' 'bout! And for jest 'bout 386 calories per person (serves 8), yew'll still be fittin' in yur best overalls! YEEEEE, DOGGIE!

1 package frozen corn (the kind I buy comes with 8 half ears)
3 lbs red potatoes, quartered
1 lb smoked sausage, cut in bite-size pieces
1 lb frozen (or fresh) shrimp
2/3-3/4 cup Old Bay Seasoning

Boil Old Bay in a large pot (the biggest one ya got!) in 4 quarts of water. Add frozen corn first and let it cook about 7-10 mins before adding potatoes. Let that cook another 5 mins and add shrimp and sausage. When your shrimp turns pink (or heats through if it's frozen), drain the whole pot and you seriously CAN dump the food on newspapers on your table! Or use dishes if you're prissy. Don't forget napkins!

Bitchin' Fruit Snack

Fruit was invented by the gods as a way of saying "We can make candy grow from trees because we have magic powers and you don't...nana nana boo boo!". *Epicurus once said, "Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance...like this bitchin' fruit snack!" **And I believe it was the great Socrates who said, "If all fruit salad were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart. But that's why I'm like way way smarter than all of them cuz I would totally bring a super big stick and fight them all to the death!" ***And we all know the prophecy of Nostradamus, "Near the veggie platter and within two bowls, There will be snacks the like of which was never seen, Hunger within parties, people put out by peels, Crying to the great immortal God for seconds." ****And last but not least, let us not forget the words of the wise German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, "HOLY CVAP! Zis fruit schnack iz schtupendous! It makes my neepoles tingle vith ecztozy!"
So without further ado, I give you..A BITCHIN' FRUIT SNACK!

2 kiwis, peeled and diced

2 red apples, cored and diced

8 ounces raspberries

1 pound strawberries, stemmed and diced

3 tablespoons sugar-free fruit preserves, any flavor

10 (10 inch) flour tortillas

butter flavored cooking spray

2 Tps cinnamon sugar

If you don't want your apples to brown at all, toss them in a little lemon juice before mixing with the rest of the fruit. Otherwise, mix your nasty brown apples with your raspberries, strawberries, and fruit perserves, leaving your kiwis to add last so they don't get too smashed. Put them all in a super pretty bowl and let them hang out in the fridge while you whip up your homemade cinnamon chips.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Spray your tortillas lightly with your butter spray and, using a pizza cutter, slice them into wedges. Sprinkle them with your cinnamon sugar and bake for 8-10 mins. Let them cool completely (so they get crispy) before serving them with your fruit salsa. This should serve about 10 people, making this fruit snack around 350 calories per serving! YUM!!!

*Epicurus did not say that.

**Socrates said something sort of close to that but not really.

***Nostradamus probably said that but someone messed up his quote.

****It's possible I completely made this up.

Low-Calorie WHAT?!

WHO WANTS PIZZA?! Okay, okay! Settle down! Let's just jump right into it since this is PIZZA we're talking about! I'm going to set this up like a buffet so you can figure out your own calories, k?

Toppings-
1 tomato, sliced- 22
1 red onion, sliced- 40
1 jalapeno, sliced- 4
1 artichoke, boiled without sin- 64
1 (7.5oz) jar artichoke- 200
2 cups fresh infant spinach- 14
1 medium cucumber, peeled- 24
Olives, pitted- there are roughly 25 calories in 4 olives (olives require math!)
1 cup broccoli, chopped- 30
1/4 cup fresh basil- 1 (yep! 1 calorie!)
1 medium green bell pepper- 30
1 medium summer squash (any variety), peeled- 31
1 cup mushrooms, chopped- 15

Evil Toppings (Vegans and Vegetarians, you may procede to the sauce section)-
1 cup feta cheese (like anyone could choke down that much!)- 396
1 cup mozzarella cheese- 320
16 paper thin red dead animal circles- 140 (double check the epitaph on the back of the package for acuracy)
1 lb sweet Italian ground dead piggy- 1020

Sauce-
You have two options- traditional (red) or Pif's favorite (garlic butter). This is going to be tricky to figure out since there are gajillions of different brands... SOOO, what I'm gonna do is post a link to a recipe to  make your own! You can either follow that or buy a premade can/jar of sauce and figure out your calorie intake...but NO cheating!!
Red sauce- http://lowcaloriecooking.about.com/od/saucesandgravy/r/Pizza-Sauce.htm
You see where it says "1/4 tsp Sin"? Just ignore that part! You won't miss the taste and the Pope will thank you for it!
Here's a quick recipe for garlic butter sauce if you are like me and turn your nose up at that red crap-

1/3 cup butter or margarine (Vegans, watch your magic powers here!)
1 clove garlic, minced or crushed (I use more than this usually but I'll keep it tame for now)
2 tsps dried oregano
2 tsps dried basil

Melt the butter, mix everything together and voila! Awesome Sauce that weighs in at about 549 calories (for the whole pizza, mind you! Less if you halve it and make two pizzas! It's like, buy one get one free!)

Ok, now here's the tricky part! THE CRUST! You have endless options here! I encourage you to check the nutrition panel on the back of any packaged crusts you choose, as I am not there to do it for you. But here's another smorgasbord of ideas-

Pillsbury canned Thin Pizza crust (found by the biscuits)- 900 calories (for the whole thing) 180 if you can manage to eat just 1/5 of it (I can't).
Boboli 12" Whole Wheat Pizza crust- 720 (180 for a quarter of the pizza)
One large flour tortilla- 280
One medium pita bread- 124
One slice Italian Flatbread Focaccia- 180
One large slice of Italian bread (slice, NOT LOAF)- 81
One cup whole wheat pasta (if you want a casserole instead)- 210
One Asiago Cheese bagel- 330

So, what you choose as your crust will make a big difference on your caloric intake. I listed several 'single serving' options for you since pizza toppings can turn into an all out brawl when it comes to agreeing amongst friends/family members. If you go with one of the multi-serving crusts, I highly suggest you figure out your calories first, cut that bad boy in servings according to what you want to feed yourself, and force others to devour the rest OR wrap it up tight and store it in a bank vault BEFORE you begin eating! I know I can't have it laying around my house or I manage to trip and fall on it mouth first while walking by.

Here's a sample of a Pif Pizza-
Focaccia crust- 180
2 Tbs Awesome Sauce- 140
jalapeno slices- 2
1/4 cup mushrooms- 4 (I round up)
1/4 red onion, chopped- 10
1/4 tomato, sliced- 5.5
1/4 cup spinach- 2 (rounded up)

Total- 343.5

Have fun assembling your custom pizza and let me know what combinations are your favorites!

Cranberry Spinach Salad

This salad will have you and everyone at the table fighting to the death for the last helping! I stole this recipe from a lady named Jamie "I'm a Genius Salad Maker" Hensley and made a few moderations to fit my caloric needs. It's simple to make but I'll still walk you through it. Here's your list of ingredients-

1 Tbs of butter (or margarine or vegan fake butter)
1/4 cup almond slivers (155 calories)
1 bag of baby spinach (cuz I love feeling like I'm eating an infant...also, I believe this comes in a 6 oz bag which has a whopping 40 calories FOR THE WHOLE THING!)
1/3 cup dried cranberries (130 calories)

for the dressing-
1 Tbs poppy seeds
2 Tbs sugar (96 calories)
2 tsp minced onion
1/4 tsp paprika (I used more because paprika doesn't scare me)
2 Tbs olive oil (220 calories...I'm not even kidding!)
2 Tbs cider vinegar
2 Tbs white wine vinegar

Mix all your dressing ingredients together and set it aside...do NOT drink this..although all that vinegar might make a good colon cleanse. Melt your butter in a pan and add your almonds, stirring to evenly brown. This will not take long so keep your eyes on it!
Rinse the cooties off your spinach and tumble dry on low heat for 15 mins. Cool iron if necessary...oh wait..wrong thing. Drain excess water off spinach and put in some fancy schmancy bowl that will make your guests oooh and awww. Add cranberries, toasted almonds, and toss with dressing. Coat it well so it gets all super flavory but then you may wanna think about draining off the extra dressing (cuz it's just fat waiting to solidify to your ass).
Now, here's where it gets tricky!! If you divide this salad amongst six people, you'll only be eating 123.5 calories! Actually, probably a smidge less than that because you drained off the extra ass fat, right? I can burn off 123.5 calories simply by typing "123.5 calories"! So..I ate the whole salad. It's 741 calories and I ate the whole damn thing in about two days.
This would make a scrumptious side dish for a formal dinner or even church gathering (if you're allowed to attend those) or picnic. I cut mine with a razor on a mirror and snorted it with a straw.

Sandwich Insanity

I had a sandwich for lunch a few days ago that I would kill a bus load of starving virgin pygmy strippers to have again so I'm gonna start this blog off by sharing that with you. First, you start with bread. You can have any bread you want but keep in mind this will be the majority of this meal's calories so if that's something you're worried about, choose wisely. I went with a big fat kaiser roll from the bakery of my local market. Next, you're gonna need veggies and lots of 'em! Here's what mine consisted of- sliced and cored cucumbers (for whatever reason, the seeds annoy me), sliced and cored tomatoes (maybe I'm just prejudice about cores?), alfalfa sprouts (cuz they're awesome!), sliced red onion...umm..what else was in there? I think that was actually all the veggies I put in there but I'll list some other options for you at the bottom. Then, to ensure that this wasn't TOO healthy, I mixed 8oz of cream cheese with one of those envelopes of dry Italian dressing mix that you can pick up in the dressing aisle. I used maybe 2 Tbs of that and spread it on my bread, then stacked all my veggies on top and mixed a tiny bit of olive oil with red wine vinegar (you could use apple cider vinegar instead) and drizzled that on top of all my veggies, put my bread lid on top, and set a heavy dish on top of that for about 30 mins...because I enjoy putting my food through compression torture before I eat it. I could seriously make out with that sandwich all day but, unfortunately, it didn't last longer than 30 seconds. Just talking about this sandwich makes me wanna stop what I'm doing right now and make 6 billion of them so everyone on the planet can have one! If you're human #6,000,000,001..sorry, you gotta make your own! WARNING: if you are vegetarian or vegan, do not add cream cheese to your sandwich or you will lose all your magic powers! This sandwich would still be overly delicious without it so I see no need for a substitute, however, if you're feeling cheated you could always add a slice of one of your fake cheeses or whatever it is you people eat. Ok, so try this sandwich and lemme know what you think! If you add meat, cheese, or salt to this, I will rip your face off. You may add pepper if you feel it's necessary but salt was invented by the devil and if you add it to your sandwich, the planets will fall out of alignment and hell's gates will open and you'll have released all the demons of chaos and swelling and then we're all in a heap load of trouble! And who wants to be responsible for all that?! Skip the salt. So let's recap in traditional recipe form-

Your favorite bread
1/3 cucumber, sliced (and cored, if you're prejudice)
1/4 tomato, sliced
1/4 red onion, sliced
1/3 cup alfalfa sprouts
8 oz cream cheese (you'll have tons of leftovers!)
1 package dry Italian dressing mix (I think it's around 1.5oz?)
1 Tbs olive oil
1 Tbs red wine vinegar (or apple cider vinegar)
other options (be sure to add in your calories!)-
avocado
jalapenos (if you like spice!)
basil
green onions (if you don't care for red)
lettuce
bell pepper
sliced olives
fake vegan cheese
pepper
salt...NO!

When I made mine, I actually meaured it all out and figured up the calories- 330...for the entire sandwich! But now, of course, I can't remember exactly what I measured out. So you'll have to wing it but don't freak out...this sandwich would be hard to mess up (unless you add salt, which is just 'sin' spelled with different letters).