Three for the Price of One

You never know what you're gonna find in my greenveggina! You just gotta peek in and hope for the best! Tonight, you lucked out! You're getting THREE recipes in one blog! Are you super excited or what?
Let's start with the asparagus (we'll do this alphabetically, k?). I had a bunch (a bundle? a head? a herd? a colony? lemme go google that real quick...k, it's a 'bundle') a bundle of asparagus that needed attention before much longer and a...(lemme go google)..a troop of mushrooms. A troop of mushrooms?! How cute is that! Now I'm absolutely imagining them dressed in uniforms standing at attention.

All mushrooms are to report to duty at 1800 hours. They will stand in formation in the kitchen sink and prepare themselves for Eradication of all Foreign Materials (EFM) whether they be chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear by way of Underwater Deployment (UD). Upon completion of EFM, all mushroom personnel will report to the Cutting Board (CB) for Parallel Division (PD) carried out by the Kitchen Sabre Squad (KSS). Mushroom personnel will then await further orders.
The asparagus battalion will complete EFM and report to CB for PD by the KSS. All asparagus and mushroom personnel will then report to the Baking Vehicle (BV) for a briefing with Sergeant Olive Oil and Corporal Rosemary. The BV will then be loaded into the Centralized Heat Facility (CHF) for such time as their commanding officer deems fit (10-15 mins at 450 degrees). Their mission is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 68 calories per serving.

The onion battalion is to pick one volunteer to complete PD. Once PD is complete, Private Onion is to report to Stove Top Containment (STC) with Sergeant Olive Oil for Heat Application Training (HAT) along with two volunteers from the garlic battalion. Upon completion of HAT, Private Onion and Privates Garlic will be joined with (3/4 cup) Master Sergeant Rice for Submerged Tactics (ST) at Fort Vegetable Broth (2 cups). Once Fort training has been absorbed, Chemical Warfare Training will begin, including but not limited to 2 cans of drained Ninja Beans, 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper, and 1/2-1tsp Cumin assault. The objective is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 233 calories per serving.

Two pounds of Red Potato Hand Grenades will be disassembled and submerged and heated in neutral liquid territory for the duration of ten whole minutes, at which time they will then be deployed to Colander Camp for Drainage Training (DT). Upon certification of DT, they will be relocated to Attractive Storage Containment Facilities (ASCF) and camouflaged in Liquefied Margarine and Parsley (LMP) (5Tbs margarine to 2tsp parsley). The objective is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 170 calories per serving.

Cranberry Spinach Salad

This salad will have you and everyone at the table fighting to the death for the last helping! I stole this recipe from a lady named Jamie "I'm a Genius Salad Maker" Hensley and made a few moderations to fit my caloric needs. It's simple to make but I'll still walk you through it. Here's your list of ingredients-

1 Tbs of butter (or margarine or vegan fake butter)
1/4 cup almond slivers (155 calories)
1 bag of baby spinach (cuz I love feeling like I'm eating an infant...also, I believe this comes in a 6 oz bag which has a whopping 40 calories FOR THE WHOLE THING!)
1/3 cup dried cranberries (130 calories)

for the dressing-
1 Tbs poppy seeds
2 Tbs sugar (96 calories)
2 tsp minced onion
1/4 tsp paprika (I used more because paprika doesn't scare me)
2 Tbs olive oil (220 calories...I'm not even kidding!)
2 Tbs cider vinegar
2 Tbs white wine vinegar

Mix all your dressing ingredients together and set it aside...do NOT drink this..although all that vinegar might make a good colon cleanse. Melt your butter in a pan and add your almonds, stirring to evenly brown. This will not take long so keep your eyes on it!
Rinse the cooties off your spinach and tumble dry on low heat for 15 mins. Cool iron if necessary...oh wait..wrong thing. Drain excess water off spinach and put in some fancy schmancy bowl that will make your guests oooh and awww. Add cranberries, toasted almonds, and toss with dressing. Coat it well so it gets all super flavory but then you may wanna think about draining off the extra dressing (cuz it's just fat waiting to solidify to your ass).
Now, here's where it gets tricky!! If you divide this salad amongst six people, you'll only be eating 123.5 calories! Actually, probably a smidge less than that because you drained off the extra ass fat, right? I can burn off 123.5 calories simply by typing "123.5 calories"! So..I ate the whole salad. It's 741 calories and I ate the whole damn thing in about two days.
This would make a scrumptious side dish for a formal dinner or even church gathering (if you're allowed to attend those) or picnic. I cut mine with a razor on a mirror and snorted it with a straw.