Three for the Price of One

You never know what you're gonna find in my greenveggina! You just gotta peek in and hope for the best! Tonight, you lucked out! You're getting THREE recipes in one blog! Are you super excited or what?
Let's start with the asparagus (we'll do this alphabetically, k?). I had a bunch (a bundle? a head? a herd? a colony? lemme go google that real quick...k, it's a 'bundle') a bundle of asparagus that needed attention before much longer and a...(lemme go google)..a troop of mushrooms. A troop of mushrooms?! How cute is that! Now I'm absolutely imagining them dressed in uniforms standing at attention.

All mushrooms are to report to duty at 1800 hours. They will stand in formation in the kitchen sink and prepare themselves for Eradication of all Foreign Materials (EFM) whether they be chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear by way of Underwater Deployment (UD). Upon completion of EFM, all mushroom personnel will report to the Cutting Board (CB) for Parallel Division (PD) carried out by the Kitchen Sabre Squad (KSS). Mushroom personnel will then await further orders.
The asparagus battalion will complete EFM and report to CB for PD by the KSS. All asparagus and mushroom personnel will then report to the Baking Vehicle (BV) for a briefing with Sergeant Olive Oil and Corporal Rosemary. The BV will then be loaded into the Centralized Heat Facility (CHF) for such time as their commanding officer deems fit (10-15 mins at 450 degrees). Their mission is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 68 calories per serving.

The onion battalion is to pick one volunteer to complete PD. Once PD is complete, Private Onion is to report to Stove Top Containment (STC) with Sergeant Olive Oil for Heat Application Training (HAT) along with two volunteers from the garlic battalion. Upon completion of HAT, Private Onion and Privates Garlic will be joined with (3/4 cup) Master Sergeant Rice for Submerged Tactics (ST) at Fort Vegetable Broth (2 cups). Once Fort training has been absorbed, Chemical Warfare Training will begin, including but not limited to 2 cans of drained Ninja Beans, 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper, and 1/2-1tsp Cumin assault. The objective is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 233 calories per serving.

Two pounds of Red Potato Hand Grenades will be disassembled and submerged and heated in neutral liquid territory for the duration of ten whole minutes, at which time they will then be deployed to Colander Camp for Drainage Training (DT). Upon certification of DT, they will be relocated to Attractive Storage Containment Facilities (ASCF) and camouflaged in Liquefied Margarine and Parsley (LMP) (5Tbs margarine to 2tsp parsley). The objective is to neutralize the hunger of six civilians with a maximum of 170 calories per serving.