Fake Sushi

Here's a fun recipe I make often. I love everything about this. I love rice, I love veggies, I love seaweed, I love grossing out other people...but there's actually no meat in this at all so don't get your panties in a bunch that I'm making you eat raw fish. This is just an exotic version of a veggie sandwich, k?
If you've never made sushi (or fake sushi) before, it's fun but there's a bit of technique involved. WAIT! DON'T LEAVE YET! I'll hold your hand through this whole process, you big baby! Let's start with the rice, cuz that's the tricky part.
Splurge on getting some sushi rice. It's a little more expensive than plain boring rice but it's fun cuz it's sticky! And it'll actually be a lot easier to keep your fake sushi from falling apart if you use sushi rice. You'll also need seasoned rice wine vinegar. Plain rice wine vinegar will work if you have it on hand and don't wanna buy yet another bottle of something you won't use often. I, myself, have an entire pantry shelf JUST FOR bottles of vinegars and condiments (I do a lot of pickling too) so you could always just come over and borrow some of mine.
Depending on how many people you're making this for (or how many rolls you want), you'll need to figure out how much rice you wanna make. Let's say you wanna make three rolls (which you then cut into the little slices you're used to seeing sushi in). This will either feed one very hungry person, two women who are trying not to look like pigs even though they're pretty hungry, three kids, or six Asians. At 1/2 cup prepared rice per roll, you'll need 1.5 cups prepared rice total (did you see how fast I did the math for that?!) so you'll want around 1/2 cup uncooked rice because this rice will go Godzilla on you and expand like a nuclear mutated lizard.
Before we start cooking, I need to go change my outfit real quick...excuse me...
*returns wearing a ridiculously tight kimono*
Okay! Let's begin!

3 Fake Sushi Rolls-
3 sheets of nori (seaweed paper)
1/2 cup dry sushi rice
1 Tbs seasoned rice wine vinegar
Fun Stuff (we'll get to this in a minute)

Your sushi rice is a little OCD and has a specific routine he likes to follow. He starts his day off with a cold shower so rinse him off until the water runs clear (it'll look a little cloudy at first). He loves hanging out in a medium saucepan with between 2/3 and 3/4 cup cold water (me and my exact measurements, huh?). Put him on high heat and get his jacuzzi going but then cover him and leave him alone for 20mins or he'll scream in Japanese at you. After 20 mins (or all the liquid is absorbed), remove him from the heat but let him hang out in his pot another 10 mins cuz he really likes it in there. After he's done relaxing, toss him in a large bowl and sprinkle him with the rice wine vinegar. I use a wooden spoon to mix it all up but you can use your hands too if you want.
Lay out your nori wrappers on wax paper or plastic cling wrap (I use the cling wrap to aid in grip). Divide your rice into three equal portions (should be about 1/2 cup) and plop that down on your nori. NOW, get yourself a little bowl of water or leave the tap on a trickle so you can keep your fingers wet! If you don't wet your fingers, there's no way on God's green planet you will get this rice onto your paper! Wet your fingers and push the rice around to cover your nori paper. This may take a minute so don't get frustrated. If you need to leave the room and count to ten, do so. Your fingers will be covered in rice no matter what you do so just accept it now and be prepared to find random rice kernels on your elbow in about an hour.
Okay! We now have our rice on our nori paper, right?! Here's where we get to the fun part! So far, what you have is about 95 calories so keep that in mind as you add your filling. I have an adorable neighbor who's from Thailand and she puts Thai mayonnaise on her rice. Thai mayonnaise is bitchin' and I LOVE that stuff! It, however, has fish extracts and whole eggs in it so it's a vegan alert. It's also 90 calories a Tbs so not terribly good for you but if you need a little help choking down your veggies, this is a good place to start! Another non-vegan route would be cream cheese. You could either spread it on your rice (bahaha! good luck with that!) or cut it into skinny strips and lay it across your rice. An ounce of cream cheese is 100 calories so keep track! It's easier to buy the kind that comes in a box cuz you can divide it following the lines on the package. The kind that comes in a plastic tub is a little harder to measure by ounce.
As far as veggies go, think of salad! Whatever you'd put in a salad, you can put in your sushi. Pile it high with spring mix lettuce, sliced cucumber, shredded carrots, fresh chopped basil, avocado, bell pepper, sprouts, anything crunchy or not too juicy. Tomatoes would probably be a little too juicy and would make your roll come undone. After you've added whatever veggies you want, now you get to roll it!
Start by hopping up and down in place for 20 seconds and chanting "I GOT THIS!" to pump yourself up. Then, grab two corners of your nori and scream at it, "WE'RE GONNA DO THIS MY WAY! YOU GOT THAT, NORI!". If you bought the nori that only speaks Japanese, here's a translation for you, "picture of a stick figure playing the saxophone, upside down number four, a stick and a number two with a hat, comma, equals sign, fortune cookie, telephone pole and a triangle, fortune cookie, a stick figure of a guy running with his arms stretched out, sideways smiley face, upside down Y with an equals sign running through it, stick figure jumping over a crocodile's face, Egyptian crook and flail, the number three, a laughing profile, a duck licking an upside down candy cane, Lucy's (from Charlie Brown) hairdo, floating comma, and a swirly number three".
Start rolling that bad boy, using whatever appendages you need to control your filling and keep it from escaping. I start my sushi roll and then use the cling wrap to tightly roll it all up and then I let it sit there and think about what it's done and come up with some ways it could be more cooperative next time. After a few minutes in time out, I unroll him from the cling wrap and slice him into pieces or sometimes just eat him as a giant roll. When I do cut it into cute little sushi-like circles, I cut a whole roll into 6 pieces so they're cute but thick enough not to fall apart. I eat mine with a big blob of wasabi (15 calories per tsp).

Nori and 1/2 cup cooked sushi rice- 95 calories

fillings-
cream cheese- 100 calories per ounce
Thai mayonnaise- 90 calories per Tbs

spring mix lettuce- 7 calories per cup (rounded up!)
cucumber- 16 calories per cup (peeled)
carrots- 35 calories for 1 medium raw
basil- 1 calorie per 1/4 cup
bell pepper- 30 calories per whole medium raw
avocado- 289 calories per 1 whole raw
alfalfa sprouts- 7 calories per ounce
mung beans- 31 calories per cup