Ninja Breakfast

Top five reasons black beans are villains-

1. they have more enemies than friends
2. they're dressed like ninjas
3. they only leave their lair to wreak havoc
4. they taste like delicious evil
5. they are capable of producing a gas that can render a grown man unconscious

Tonight I wanted to feed my inner villain. So I made a breakfast that only a Mexican Mafia Ninja Assassin Street Thug would eat! If you like spicy, continue to read. If you are vegan or a strict vegetarian, you can skip this one. If you're a wimpy cry baby sissy puss that can't stand heat, go play with your dolls. If you get heartburn, go get a Pepcid AC and come back. This recipe is for macho burly tough guys who are watching their figures.  If you ever found yourself wondering what bad guys eat, this is it!

Homemade bad guy salsa-
2 tomatoes, chopped (I used one red and one brown)
1/2 lime, squeezed
3 green onions, chopped
1 jalapeno, chopped (get one with an attitude problem)
1 still-beating heart of a human sacrifice (optional)

Mix this all together and set aside in the fridge if you're into food safety, leave it out on the counter top if you're hardcore, or on a breezy window sill next to a petri dish full of Ebola virus if you're effing insane.

1 can ninja beans, drained (may be in disguise as 'black beans')
2 chipotle chilies in adobo sauce*, chopped (my computer has 'chipotle' underlined like it's spelled wrong and suggested I change the spelling to 'Chippendale'...so henceforth, chipotle will be known as Chippendale!)
1 white corn tortilla (more if you plan on feeding your fellow henchmen)
1 egg (see parenthesis above)
a fingertip grab of shredded monterey jack cheese ("a fingertip grab" is an official measurement starting now)

Heat a dash of oil in a pan and add garlic (oh ya! garlic! pretend '2 cloves of garlic' is listed above!), heat until starting to brown. Add ninja beans and your saucy Chippendale peppers. Heat through and add a shot glass of water if it gets too thick/dry for your liking.
While that's heating up, put your tortillas on a baking sheet and sprinkle with a little cheese. Toss in oven at 350 degrees just until your cheese has melted, top with about 2-3 big spoonfuls of your saucy Chippendale ninja mix. You should probably kill a pedestrian or shoot your neighbors window out with a rocket launcher right about now to secure your place as a hardened criminal. In a separate pan, fry your egg to your liking (I like to watch mine bleed when I stab it). I actually put my salsa on top of my beans and then added my egg but I believe vice versa would also be acceptable in most villain circles.
This bad boy weighs in at around 374 calories a serving so you don't have to worry about outgrowing your black spandex and matching cape!


*I just wanted to make this clear because the Chippendale peppers are what add the spice, I bought a can of them and only used two peppers, NOT two cans of peppers!! If you use more than two peppers, it's possible your intestines will fall out. If this happens, let me know and I'll tell you how to make sausage.

Frogmore Stew

OOOOOOHH-WEEEEEEE!!! Do I have a treat fer y'all!!! This here recipe is wat we cawl "Frogmore Stew" but don't yew go worrying yur purty little head over nothin', it ain't got no frogs in it! There are a few things yew'll need in order to fix this here dish. For one, you gotta have indoor plumbin'. Have ya got indoor plumbin'? If not, yew can always go on down yonder to the Jenkin's farm. I hear they got themselves a real dandy of a sink right there in their kitchen! So yur gonna take a big ol' pot and fill it with warter, like several quarts of warter. Get that there pot a warter on the fire, or stove if yur real fancy, and get it goin' good n hot. Yew know that there seasonin' called Old Bay? Well, it ain't go no calories! YEE-HAW! So go on ahead and put enough of that there Old Bay in yur hot warter to choke a mule! I'm talkin' 2/3 to 3/4 cup of it! I ain't playin' 'round now! Go on and put it in there! Then, yur gonna put in some ears of corn. I hear nowadays you'ens can get it all frozen like. Like it done snowed in Jew-lie! So go on and get yurself some of that there snowed-in corn (I like the half ears) and put it in yur boilin' seasoned warter. Go on down to Bob's garden and see if he'll give ya some of his homegrown poe-taters! The ones with the red skin, if he's got 'em! Take as many as he'll give ya and warsh them in the river on yur way home. Go on and quarter them and put as many in yur pot there as yew want. When all the cousins stop on by, I have myself a right big crowd so I'ma always puttin' in lots a taters!
Some of those weird city folk don't like eatin' nothin' but veggies so if yur one a them and yew ain't eatin' any meat, like steak or pork chops, y'all can have this as a side dish for yur salad or chicken. If'n yew ain't one of them folk, yew can go on ahead and add some snowed-in shrimp after yew done let your corn and taters cook a minute (or ten). Go on an add yur shrimp and then chop up some smoked sausage. I like that skinless kind cuz I ain't got no teeth to be chewin' it with. You'ens can get watever kind ya like. Put that there in yur pot and let it heat up just long enough to go take a turn swingin' from the rope at the river and come on back.
Now wat yur gonna do is to put one of them bowls with holes in it in yur slop bucket, or sink if yur one a the Jenkins, and dump yur whole pot in so all the warter drains out but yew still got yur supper. Roll out some newspaper on yur table and dump that all over yur paper and let all yur cousins just dive on in there and help themselves! And yew got yurself a real swell supper that the whole town's gonna be talkin' 'bout! And for jest 'bout 386 calories per person (serves 8), yew'll still be fittin' in yur best overalls! YEEEEE, DOGGIE!

1 package frozen corn (the kind I buy comes with 8 half ears)
3 lbs red potatoes, quartered
1 lb smoked sausage, cut in bite-size pieces
1 lb frozen (or fresh) shrimp
2/3-3/4 cup Old Bay Seasoning

Boil Old Bay in a large pot (the biggest one ya got!) in 4 quarts of water. Add frozen corn first and let it cook about 7-10 mins before adding potatoes. Let that cook another 5 mins and add shrimp and sausage. When your shrimp turns pink (or heats through if it's frozen), drain the whole pot and you seriously CAN dump the food on newspapers on your table! Or use dishes if you're prissy. Don't forget napkins!