Cranberry Spinach Salad

This salad will have you and everyone at the table fighting to the death for the last helping! I stole this recipe from a lady named Jamie "I'm a Genius Salad Maker" Hensley and made a few moderations to fit my caloric needs. It's simple to make but I'll still walk you through it. Here's your list of ingredients-

1 Tbs of butter (or margarine or vegan fake butter)
1/4 cup almond slivers (155 calories)
1 bag of baby spinach (cuz I love feeling like I'm eating an infant...also, I believe this comes in a 6 oz bag which has a whopping 40 calories FOR THE WHOLE THING!)
1/3 cup dried cranberries (130 calories)

for the dressing-
1 Tbs poppy seeds
2 Tbs sugar (96 calories)
2 tsp minced onion
1/4 tsp paprika (I used more because paprika doesn't scare me)
2 Tbs olive oil (220 calories...I'm not even kidding!)
2 Tbs cider vinegar
2 Tbs white wine vinegar

Mix all your dressing ingredients together and set it aside...do NOT drink this..although all that vinegar might make a good colon cleanse. Melt your butter in a pan and add your almonds, stirring to evenly brown. This will not take long so keep your eyes on it!
Rinse the cooties off your spinach and tumble dry on low heat for 15 mins. Cool iron if necessary...oh wait..wrong thing. Drain excess water off spinach and put in some fancy schmancy bowl that will make your guests oooh and awww. Add cranberries, toasted almonds, and toss with dressing. Coat it well so it gets all super flavory but then you may wanna think about draining off the extra dressing (cuz it's just fat waiting to solidify to your ass).
Now, here's where it gets tricky!! If you divide this salad amongst six people, you'll only be eating 123.5 calories! Actually, probably a smidge less than that because you drained off the extra ass fat, right? I can burn off 123.5 calories simply by typing "123.5 calories"! So..I ate the whole salad. It's 741 calories and I ate the whole damn thing in about two days.
This would make a scrumptious side dish for a formal dinner or even church gathering (if you're allowed to attend those) or picnic. I cut mine with a razor on a mirror and snorted it with a straw.