Sandwich Insanity

I had a sandwich for lunch a few days ago that I would kill a bus load of starving virgin pygmy strippers to have again so I'm gonna start this blog off by sharing that with you. First, you start with bread. You can have any bread you want but keep in mind this will be the majority of this meal's calories so if that's something you're worried about, choose wisely. I went with a big fat kaiser roll from the bakery of my local market. Next, you're gonna need veggies and lots of 'em! Here's what mine consisted of- sliced and cored cucumbers (for whatever reason, the seeds annoy me), sliced and cored tomatoes (maybe I'm just prejudice about cores?), alfalfa sprouts (cuz they're awesome!), sliced red onion...umm..what else was in there? I think that was actually all the veggies I put in there but I'll list some other options for you at the bottom. Then, to ensure that this wasn't TOO healthy, I mixed 8oz of cream cheese with one of those envelopes of dry Italian dressing mix that you can pick up in the dressing aisle. I used maybe 2 Tbs of that and spread it on my bread, then stacked all my veggies on top and mixed a tiny bit of olive oil with red wine vinegar (you could use apple cider vinegar instead) and drizzled that on top of all my veggies, put my bread lid on top, and set a heavy dish on top of that for about 30 mins...because I enjoy putting my food through compression torture before I eat it. I could seriously make out with that sandwich all day but, unfortunately, it didn't last longer than 30 seconds. Just talking about this sandwich makes me wanna stop what I'm doing right now and make 6 billion of them so everyone on the planet can have one! If you're human #6,000,000,001..sorry, you gotta make your own! WARNING: if you are vegetarian or vegan, do not add cream cheese to your sandwich or you will lose all your magic powers! This sandwich would still be overly delicious without it so I see no need for a substitute, however, if you're feeling cheated you could always add a slice of one of your fake cheeses or whatever it is you people eat. Ok, so try this sandwich and lemme know what you think! If you add meat, cheese, or salt to this, I will rip your face off. You may add pepper if you feel it's necessary but salt was invented by the devil and if you add it to your sandwich, the planets will fall out of alignment and hell's gates will open and you'll have released all the demons of chaos and swelling and then we're all in a heap load of trouble! And who wants to be responsible for all that?! Skip the salt. So let's recap in traditional recipe form-

Your favorite bread
1/3 cucumber, sliced (and cored, if you're prejudice)
1/4 tomato, sliced
1/4 red onion, sliced
1/3 cup alfalfa sprouts
8 oz cream cheese (you'll have tons of leftovers!)
1 package dry Italian dressing mix (I think it's around 1.5oz?)
1 Tbs olive oil
1 Tbs red wine vinegar (or apple cider vinegar)
other options (be sure to add in your calories!)-
avocado
jalapenos (if you like spice!)
basil
green onions (if you don't care for red)
lettuce
bell pepper
sliced olives
fake vegan cheese
pepper
salt...NO!

When I made mine, I actually meaured it all out and figured up the calories- 330...for the entire sandwich! But now, of course, I can't remember exactly what I measured out. So you'll have to wing it but don't freak out...this sandwich would be hard to mess up (unless you add salt, which is just 'sin' spelled with different letters).