Monday, August 20, 2012

Hamlet Pasta Salad minus the Ham

T'is a lie for me to tell thee the sun hath woke me on this very day. Nay, t'was not the sun but the churning of my insides that roused me from dear slumber. Having not more than three winks of sleep, mine mind hath wandered into a fantastical realm of Shakespearean wordplay. For what shall a sleepless maiden maketh of her day when morning cometh too soon? She maketh pasta salad, of course!
As stated above, I woke up sick to my stomach and my brain is running on little sleep. 
Icky guts + sleepy face = weird desire to make pasta salad.
I need to go back to sleep but I thought I'd post this pasta salad as fast as I can before I forget what I put in it (like I did with the chickenless enchiladas I made the other night).

1 pound whole wheat pasta (I used spirals)
half a bottle of Italian dressing
6 oz marinated artichokes, drained 
roasted red peppers, um..like a big scoop of them?
1 onion, chopped
banana peppers, also a big scoop ('big scoop' has been used twice now which makes it an official measurement)

Cook pasta according to directions, drain, toss in a big bowl along with everything else on the list and mix well. I'll edit this later and add calories and junk. Henceforth, I shall goeth back to sleepeth and dreameth of waking later in the day to a giant bowl of this tasty pasta saladeth. Adieu.

edited- I completely forgot to list the spices! Ha! I used-
1 Tbsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp basil
1 tsp parsley

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Food Survey

This would help me out with my little dinner menu project.

1. My favorite food is-

2. When eating out for lunch (not dinner), I am more likely to choose-
a. something portable because I'm always on the go.
b. something that will keep me full until dinner.
c. something healthy.
d. something light because I eat a bigger dinner.
e. other

3. I prefer restaurants that serve-
a. new foods often because I like to try new things.
b. the same foods because I like knowing I can get my favorite item there.

4. I would be more willing to eat lunch at an establishment if-
a. my food came with a toy.
b. Pif was in charge of the menu.
c. my foods gave me magical powers.
d. b

5. I eat dinner out because-
a. I hate cooking.
b. to save time because of that 'always on the go' thing.
c. of the atmosphere/social reasons.
d. other.

6. I prefer restaurants (for any meal) that-
a. are fast.
b. are cheap.
c. have slutty waitresses.
d. are fast, cheap, and have slutty waitresses.
e. don't smell like truck drivers and human pee.

7. Pif's survey is rather odd and full of questions that appear to not actually be helpful but I'm taking it anyway because-
a. I'm morbidly curious.
b. I'm under the impression there's a reward at the end.
c. she threatened me and I'm afraid for my life.
d. I'm waiting on my slutty waitress to bring my food and thought I'd kill some time.
e. it's for my psychology class.

8. Question number 8 is awesome because-
a. it's not really a question.
b. it demonstrates the end of Pif's attention span.
c. ducks are cute.
d. eight sounds like ate and this survey is about food.

9. Pif should stick to her day job and not become a professional surveyor because-
a. this survey is pointless.
b. she's easily distracted and can't stay on topic.
c. my slutty waitress is taking forever.
d. *spirit fingers!*

10.  Bachelor number 2, if we were out on a date and I spilled wine on my dress, you would-
a. spill wine on your shirt so we'd match.
b. yell at me for wasting a perfectly good glass of wine.
c. wonder where I got the wine inside a McDonald's.
d. tell me, "it's okay, I hated that dress anyway".
e. throw cheese at me cuz it always goes good with wine.
f. assume I was drunk and take advantage of me in the parking lot.
g. why the hell is this question in a survey about food?!
h. tell the waitress to cancel my chili dog.
i. order me another drink but have it served in a bowl.
j. use the opportunity to grope my chest while you dab the wine with napkins.
k. laugh and point.
l. silently mouth to your mother, "I'm gonna make HER pay for that".
m. ask me to wear a white t-shirt on our next date.
n. whip out your Tide stain pen and save the day.
o. whip out a pair of scissors and cut the stain out.
p. whip out a camera and post pics on facebook.
q. splatter the rest of my dress with wine so it looks like a pattern in the fabric.
r. plan an elaborate scheme to sue the restaurant out of millions.
s. tell me to stop crying, you're trying to eat.
t. comment on how that glass of wine cost more than my dress.
u. rip open your button-up shirt to reveal a spandex superhero outfit and fly me off to a land without stains.
v. use the wine stain as a Rorschach test.
w. tell me, "oh sheesh!...well, at least you're pretty".
x suggest we eat at the old folk's home next time so at least I'll blend in.
y. be tempted to order me pudding.
z. tell me, "at least YOU'RE old enough to drink!"

Monday, August 6, 2012

Eww!

I can't believe it's already been a month since I posted!! Sheesh!! I just wanted to pop in and remind you I'm still alive and share this completely disgusting and twisted little story with you. Just in case someone out there was misled into thinking I'm normal, let me clear that up right now by telling you, in one sentence, what I just did that is guaranteed to make you think "WTF?!". Ready? ..I just went to the pantry to check on my dead maggot collection, which is inexplicably growing.
 WAIT!
 Don't close my page! Let me explain. I have no food in the house because I have no time to make a menu or do my shopping (busy, remember?). I keep my pantry door shut but somehow moths are finding their way in. They lay eggs (which I can't find) that then hatch into what LOOKS like a maggot, but I guess technically they're caterpillars? A few weeks back, I pulled everything out and swept and cleaned the snot out of that stinkin' pantry and yet, they're still popping up. Every time I open my pantry door, there's another dead cater-maggot laying on the shelf. This makes for a very effective diet technique. They'd probably stop dying if there were food in there.
You thought you were gonna get a fun new healthy recipe, huh? Sorry..
Well, I'm off to work! Someone clean the pantry while I'm gone, please!!