Circus Clown Car Peppers

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up!! Here before your very eyes is a recipe guaranteed to blow your face off! Or make your nose run, at minimum. Direct from whichever foreign country appeals to you the most, I give you the Beautiful.... the Alluring... the Delicious Ancient Sweet Red Pepper....

And it's sideways...*sigh*..pretend it's not, k?
Not only does this pepper make fire engines jealous, but it can also juggle six elephants while riding a motorcycle blindfolded, has the ability to swallow flaming swords while jumping upside down on this massive trampoline, AND is able to knit the cure for cancer out of mere pocket lint and some dental floss while pedaling a ferocious lion with one foot!
Ladies, I ask you not to scream and gentlemen, hold on to your hats! I give you....CIRCUS CLOWN CAR PEPPERS!!
*cue circus music*

3 Ancient Sweet Peppers (taste very similar to regular red bell peppers)
1/4 cup dry Quinoa
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup dates, chopped
3 green onion stalks, chopped
1 can (14 oz) diced tomatoes with chilies (this is what added the nose-watering kick, NOT the peppers)
1 can (15 oz) black beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 tsp curry
3 Tbs almond slices

Preheat oven to 375*.
Wash off your peppers and slit them open on one side, leaving stems intact. There aren't many seeds in these so it won't take long to scoop them out. Put your peppers into a baking dish and set aside.
In a ridiculously large bowl, add your Quinoa and water and toss it in the microwave for 6 minutes. If you chose to use a medium bowl instead of the ridiculously large one like I suggested, congrats...you get to clean out the microwave.
While that's making a mess in the microwave, stand there and wait cuz there's no sense in getting two bowls dirty.
After your Quinoa has finished decorating the inside of the microwave, go ahead and add the remaining ingredients (except the almonds) to your little bowl...ya, you'll use a bigger one next time, huh? Mix it well and scoop it into your peppers. This divided almost perfectly to fill three peppers. I think I had a bean and a half left over in the bowl. Sprinkle a Tbs of almond slices on top of each pepper and bake for 15-20 mins or until heated through and peppers are tender.
These vegan delights are just 270 calories per pepper and super yummy!! How did I get so much flavor in 270 calories?!? Well, my friends, THAT is why these peppers are Circus Clown Car Peppers..cuz I have no idea how I got it all in there!! Actually, the dash of curry and the dates really made this dish. Leave either of those out and I'll sick my ferocious lion on you.

Flesh Eating Dumplings

I had a busy day yesterday and ended up missing lunch so by the time dinner came around I wanted to eat something that would turn to cement in my stomach but not cause a calorie overload. So I made dumplings! I'll post both with and without meat versions-

2 cups all purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
a blob of shortening (frik! I forgot to measure again! I'd guess about 1/3 cup?)
1/2 cup milk (Vegans use soy milk)
black pepper
You don't need salt, don't even look at the salt, forget salt exists!!
32oz Broth- vegans use veggie broth, meaties use chicken
Meat Eaters- you'll also need chicken! I'd probably use a pound, cut into bite sizes.

Meaties-
Put a dab of shortening (about 1 Tbs) in a large pot and add your chicken once it's melted. Cook it a few minutes but not all the way through, just until most of the outside has turned white but you wouldn't eat it just yet. Add your broth and let that heat up while you work on your dough. Your broth will finish cooking the chicken without it turning to shoe leather.
Vegans- heat your veggie broth in a large pot while working on your dough.

Dough-
In a large bowl add your flour, baking powder which is way up on the top shelf and always takes several minutes of me tippy toe dancing before I've managed to maneuver it enough to make it fall into my hand, and your blob of shortening. Mix this together. I use my hands cuz I really like using my hands. *wink wink*
Once that's mixed, add your milk and stir until a dough forms. I actually added another small splash of milk to mine so use your judgement. You could probably use a standing mixer for this but I'm not fancy enough to use gadgets so I just used a wooden spoon.
Take your dough and divide it into small sections so it's easier to work with. Roll each section into a snake but I'm talking a little garter snake, not a giant anaconda or anything. My snakes were about 1/2 inch in diameter and I then cut them into 1-inch pieces. These will swell considerably in the broth so keep them small.
If your broth is boiling by now, you can go ahead and toss your snake chunks in there! Pepper to your liking, cover and cook for 5-8 minutes.
Pay attention- when you take off the lid and ladle this into your bowl, make sure when you pour, it's directly into the bowl and NOT on your damn pinky finger cuz it burns the flesh right off and that has potential to ruin your night. So I hear.

The dumplings serve 6 and weigh in at only 264 calories per serving! Not bad, huh? If you add chicken (boneless skinless chicken breast) it's about 85 calories more per serving so a total of 349!
You could also add onion, celery, carrots, leek, all kinds of yummy veggies but I left mine plain out of urgency to put food in my face.

Lemonpalooza Pasta

Well I've been debating since yesterday if I wanted to blog about this recipe or not. It's good...for about half a serving. I love lemon and lemony things but even this got to be too much for me toward the end there! Hmmm...to post or not to post..?
I haven't made anything awesome lately and need to catch up on my blog! I've noticed I'm a little more picky about what I post now that people are actually telling me they're trying them! Ack! ...OKAY!..here's what I'll do! I'll post the original recipe and then note what I'll try next time, sound good?

The recipe is actually called Lemon Butter Chicken (listen up, meat eaters!) and it really was good! Just was a lot of flavor. My first reaction was, "MMMMMM!!!" but by the time I finished half my bowl I was thinking, "this would go great with plain toast...or a power wash to the tongue". I didn't have meat in mine so maybe it would dilute the lemon with the meat in it?
Anyway, let's get started! This is NOT a recipe for someone who hates to cook. It's not hard at all but there's like..four steps! So if you're looking for a "boil pasta, add canned spaghetti sauce, eat" kind of meal, this isn't it.

For the butter sauce you will need-
1/4 cup white wine
1 lemon (next time I'll use HALF a lemon!)
Heavy Cream (Vegans, I used Tofutti's Better Than Cream Cheese)
1 cup butter (Vegans use margarine) and you probably don't need this much! Next time I'm halving this!

MEAT EATERS ONLY-
4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves
4 oz bacon
flour

Vegetarian/Vegan alternatives to the meat-
Broccoli would be awesome!
Quartered cherry tomatoes would rock!

Everybody all together now-
Pasta (I used 1/2 box or 8oz mini farfalle because I love food that dresses up like a Chippendale dancer!)
olive oil
pepper
mushrooms (I used fresh but you could use canned if you like)
jar (6 oz) of artichoke hearts, drained
2 tsps capers, drained

We'll start with the meat eaters version-
Take your nasty hunk of dead animal (chicken) and cut it into whatever designs you like. You could get creative and do a Mona Lisa chicken but I think I'd probably stick with chunks or strips. Toss it around in a bag full of flour (maybe 1/4-1/2 cup?) and pepper (1 tsp-ish).
Take your dead pig and cut it into small unrecognizable pieces so when his family comes by to identify the body, they'll have to go by his dental records.
Heat your oil in a pan and fry your dead animals. You could do chicken first, pig first, both at the same time..don't think it really matters. Fry until cooked through.
Set your dead animals aside on paper towels to drain. In the same pan add the GOOD stuff..you know, the mushrooms, capers, and artichokes!
VEGANS AND VEGETARIANS START HERE- Add a dash of olive oil or margarine in a pan and add your mushrooms, capers, and artichokes and any other veggies you wanted to add (see above suggestions). Use as many mushrooms as you want. I needed to get rid of half a carton of them so I put in quite a bit. Stir this around a bit but keep your eye on it because it browns fast! I took mine off the heat so it wouldn't get icky while I worked on my sauce.
EVERYBODY ALL TOGETHER NOW- Get a pot of water boiling and add your little bow ties.
In a saucepan, add your white wine and lemon juice and bring it to a boil. Cook this until it's reduced 1/3. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THIS BECAUSE IT REDUCES MUCH FASTER THAN I EXPECTED!! Sorry, didn't mean to yell at you but I wanted to get your attention. Seriously though, don't walk away from that pan!  Once it's reduced, you can add your cream or vegan cream cheese and let it blend a few minutes. You can add anywhere from 5 Tbs to 8 Tbs depending on how creamy you like it but remember- this crap is high in calories! Speaking of high in calories, let's add the butter!! Butter has around 1600 calories per cup. Awesome, huh? There's roughly 1200 in a cup of margarine. That just seems ridiculous to me! Gah! So your sauce is going to be the major calorie contributor here! I went with the full cup of margarine when I made this so I could try the 'real' recipe and figure out how I wanna tweak it for next time. If you LIKE the taste, use the whole cup. If you're indifferent, use half! It'll save you a few laps around the block!! Now that we've discussed butter and it's consequences, put it in your sauce. The method of which you add it to your sauce is controversial because a food snob will tell you to chill it, cut it into little pieces and add a piece at a time and allow to melt before adding another piece to prevent it from separating or some crap.. whatever. I added a stick at a time cuz I'm unrefined. Mine melted just smashingly and I had no separation anxiety.
Your sauce is now ready to go so you can pour half of it in your pan of veggies. MEAT EATERS- put your dead animals in the saucy veggies now and mix it all up! The rest of your sauce can be served on the side or poured in your pasta..oh crap! The pasta! Get your pasta off the heat and drain it. Whew! I almost let it turn to mush! Scoop your pasta into a bowl and ladle your lemony veggies (and dead animals) on top and devour!
This recipe makes six servings so invite some lemon-loving friends over to help you eat it! Here are your calorie contents (roughly)-

Murderer version- 660 calories
Vegan version- 350 calories

I'm not dead

I'm being forced to blog by gunpoint today. For those of you who depend on me to guide you in proper nutrition and delectable vegan dishes, please see all posts up until now. For those of you who just want to know what I ate since my last post, here's a list-

1. leftovers
2. gas station chocolate covered peanuts
3. crap that didn't turn out well enough to blog about

I will tell you that as an aspiring vegan, I don't think I've made it a full day without eating some kind of dairy or meat product thanks to my inability to check packages for nutritional information before hurling it down my gullet. And there is one food I miss terribly that I will be tinkering with until I find a good vegan substitute and that is cream cheese stuffed jalapenos wrapped in bacon and grilled to earthly perfection! If you know a good vegan substitute for this, DON'T TELL ME! I wanna figure it out on my own!! But it WILL happen and I WILL consume mass quantities when it does! And for future use, if there's ever anything you want me to eat, stuff it in a grilled jalapeno and it's as good as gone!

*edited*
Here's a quick lunch idea that I eat semi-often. It's crazy simple for days you feel like being lazy.

bread *vegan alert!* (check labels!)
avocado- peeled and squished
1/2 lemon
pepper

Squirt your half lemon on your squished avocado (you should probably put it in a bowl first though), sprinkle with pepper and mix well. Spread on your bread and slide in the oven on 350* or 400* til your bread is toasted and your green squish is heated through.

Fake Sushi

Here's a fun recipe I make often. I love everything about this. I love rice, I love veggies, I love seaweed, I love grossing out other people...but there's actually no meat in this at all so don't get your panties in a bunch that I'm making you eat raw fish. This is just an exotic version of a veggie sandwich, k?
If you've never made sushi (or fake sushi) before, it's fun but there's a bit of technique involved. WAIT! DON'T LEAVE YET! I'll hold your hand through this whole process, you big baby! Let's start with the rice, cuz that's the tricky part.
Splurge on getting some sushi rice. It's a little more expensive than plain boring rice but it's fun cuz it's sticky! And it'll actually be a lot easier to keep your fake sushi from falling apart if you use sushi rice. You'll also need seasoned rice wine vinegar. Plain rice wine vinegar will work if you have it on hand and don't wanna buy yet another bottle of something you won't use often. I, myself, have an entire pantry shelf JUST FOR bottles of vinegars and condiments (I do a lot of pickling too) so you could always just come over and borrow some of mine.
Depending on how many people you're making this for (or how many rolls you want), you'll need to figure out how much rice you wanna make. Let's say you wanna make three rolls (which you then cut into the little slices you're used to seeing sushi in). This will either feed one very hungry person, two women who are trying not to look like pigs even though they're pretty hungry, three kids, or six Asians. At 1/2 cup prepared rice per roll, you'll need 1.5 cups prepared rice total (did you see how fast I did the math for that?!) so you'll want around 1/2 cup uncooked rice because this rice will go Godzilla on you and expand like a nuclear mutated lizard.
Before we start cooking, I need to go change my outfit real quick...excuse me...
*returns wearing a ridiculously tight kimono*
Okay! Let's begin!

3 Fake Sushi Rolls-
3 sheets of nori (seaweed paper)
1/2 cup dry sushi rice
1 Tbs seasoned rice wine vinegar
Fun Stuff (we'll get to this in a minute)

Your sushi rice is a little OCD and has a specific routine he likes to follow. He starts his day off with a cold shower so rinse him off until the water runs clear (it'll look a little cloudy at first). He loves hanging out in a medium saucepan with between 2/3 and 3/4 cup cold water (me and my exact measurements, huh?). Put him on high heat and get his jacuzzi going but then cover him and leave him alone for 20mins or he'll scream in Japanese at you. After 20 mins (or all the liquid is absorbed), remove him from the heat but let him hang out in his pot another 10 mins cuz he really likes it in there. After he's done relaxing, toss him in a large bowl and sprinkle him with the rice wine vinegar. I use a wooden spoon to mix it all up but you can use your hands too if you want.
Lay out your nori wrappers on wax paper or plastic cling wrap (I use the cling wrap to aid in grip). Divide your rice into three equal portions (should be about 1/2 cup) and plop that down on your nori. NOW, get yourself a little bowl of water or leave the tap on a trickle so you can keep your fingers wet! If you don't wet your fingers, there's no way on God's green planet you will get this rice onto your paper! Wet your fingers and push the rice around to cover your nori paper. This may take a minute so don't get frustrated. If you need to leave the room and count to ten, do so. Your fingers will be covered in rice no matter what you do so just accept it now and be prepared to find random rice kernels on your elbow in about an hour.
Okay! We now have our rice on our nori paper, right?! Here's where we get to the fun part! So far, what you have is about 95 calories so keep that in mind as you add your filling. I have an adorable neighbor who's from Thailand and she puts Thai mayonnaise on her rice. Thai mayonnaise is bitchin' and I LOVE that stuff! It, however, has fish extracts and whole eggs in it so it's a vegan alert. It's also 90 calories a Tbs so not terribly good for you but if you need a little help choking down your veggies, this is a good place to start! Another non-vegan route would be cream cheese. You could either spread it on your rice (bahaha! good luck with that!) or cut it into skinny strips and lay it across your rice. An ounce of cream cheese is 100 calories so keep track! It's easier to buy the kind that comes in a box cuz you can divide it following the lines on the package. The kind that comes in a plastic tub is a little harder to measure by ounce.
As far as veggies go, think of salad! Whatever you'd put in a salad, you can put in your sushi. Pile it high with spring mix lettuce, sliced cucumber, shredded carrots, fresh chopped basil, avocado, bell pepper, sprouts, anything crunchy or not too juicy. Tomatoes would probably be a little too juicy and would make your roll come undone. After you've added whatever veggies you want, now you get to roll it!
Start by hopping up and down in place for 20 seconds and chanting "I GOT THIS!" to pump yourself up. Then, grab two corners of your nori and scream at it, "WE'RE GONNA DO THIS MY WAY! YOU GOT THAT, NORI!". If you bought the nori that only speaks Japanese, here's a translation for you, "picture of a stick figure playing the saxophone, upside down number four, a stick and a number two with a hat, comma, equals sign, fortune cookie, telephone pole and a triangle, fortune cookie, a stick figure of a guy running with his arms stretched out, sideways smiley face, upside down Y with an equals sign running through it, stick figure jumping over a crocodile's face, Egyptian crook and flail, the number three, a laughing profile, a duck licking an upside down candy cane, Lucy's (from Charlie Brown) hairdo, floating comma, and a swirly number three".
Start rolling that bad boy, using whatever appendages you need to control your filling and keep it from escaping. I start my sushi roll and then use the cling wrap to tightly roll it all up and then I let it sit there and think about what it's done and come up with some ways it could be more cooperative next time. After a few minutes in time out, I unroll him from the cling wrap and slice him into pieces or sometimes just eat him as a giant roll. When I do cut it into cute little sushi-like circles, I cut a whole roll into 6 pieces so they're cute but thick enough not to fall apart. I eat mine with a big blob of wasabi (15 calories per tsp).

Nori and 1/2 cup cooked sushi rice- 95 calories

fillings-
cream cheese- 100 calories per ounce
Thai mayonnaise- 90 calories per Tbs

spring mix lettuce- 7 calories per cup (rounded up!)
cucumber- 16 calories per cup (peeled)
carrots- 35 calories for 1 medium raw
basil- 1 calorie per 1/4 cup
bell pepper- 30 calories per whole medium raw
avocado- 289 calories per 1 whole raw
alfalfa sprouts- 7 calories per ounce
mung beans- 31 calories per cup

German Zoup

Vell, here ve are again. Anozer day, anozer recipe! Today fur mittagessen, I made lentil zoup! It is vegetarian und very delicious! Vun sing you should know is ze lentils do not reqvire zoaking like beanz do but zis recipe is best made in a crock pot zo you don't have to babyzit it. Vhat I did, vas to schet it all up bevore bedtime, zat vay, it vas ready fur mein mittagessen ze next day! Zuper idea, no?
I schtarted with a bag ov dry lentils. I put zem in mein schwartz crock pot on low vith 64oz ov vegetable bross. I added schliced carrots, zome schliced zelery, und zome onion.. schliced. Here are all ze zeazonings I added-
2 tsps Vorchesterschire zauce
1/2-1 tsp garlic powder
1 Tbs hot zauce
1 tsp caravay zeed
1 tsp zelery zalt
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 Tbs parzley
1 bay leaf
I vould recommend you cook it fur 8 hours or zo. Zis makes zeveral zervings, probably about 8, und is about 220 calories per zerving! It vould be awezome vith a schlice of crusty bread or vorld domination. Und now fur ze German translation fur all mein German friends!-

Guten tag! Mein Deutsch ist crap so vorgeben es ist gut, k? Heute ich habe suppe fur Mittagessen. Es ist vegetarisch und gut! Linsen brauchen kein wasser uber nacht wie Bohnen (ich hoffe das macht sinn). Aber ich machte mir in einem crockpot uber nacht sowieso.

475 mL Linsen
2 L bruhe
240 mL Mohren
240 mL Sellerie
240 mL Zwiebel
10 mL Worcestershire sauce
15 mL hot sauce
5 mL selleriesalz
2.5 mL nutmeg (ich vergass wie das zu sagen)
15 mL parsley (und dies)
1 bay leaf (und auch dies...bay blatt?)
5 mL garlic powder (und alle meine Deutsch)
5 mL caraway seeds (ich habe vergessen wieder)

Koch fur acht stunden bei schwacher hitze. Essen nicht das blatt.