Hamlet Pasta Salad minus the Ham

T'is a lie for me to tell thee the sun hath woke me on this very day. Nay, t'was not the sun but the churning of my insides that roused me from dear slumber. Having not more than three winks of sleep, mine mind hath wandered into a fantastical realm of Shakespearean wordplay. For what shall a sleepless maiden maketh of her day when morning cometh too soon? She maketh pasta salad, of course!

As stated above, I woke up sick to my stomach and my brain is running on little sleep. 

Icky guts + sleepy face = weird desire to make pasta salad.

I need to go back to sleep but I thought I'd post this pasta salad as fast as I can before I forget what I put in it (like I did with the chickenless enchiladas I made the other night).

1 pound whole wheat pasta (I used spirals)

half a bottle of Italian dressing

6 oz marinated artichokes, drained 

roasted red peppers, um..like a big scoop of them?

1 onion, chopped

banana peppers, also a big scoop ('big scoop' has been used twice now which makes it an official measurement)

Cook pasta according to directions, drain, toss in a big bowl along with everything else on the list and mix well. I'll edit this later and add calories and junk. Henceforth, I shall goeth back to sleepeth and dreameth of waking later in the day to a giant bowl of this tasty pasta saladeth. Adieu.

edited- I completely forgot to list the spices! Ha! I used-
1 Tbsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp basil
1 tsp parsley

Food Survey

This would help me out with my little dinner menu project.

1. My favorite food is-

2. When eating out for lunch (not dinner), I am more likely to choose-
a. something portable because I'm always on the go.
b. something that will keep me full until dinner.
c. something healthy.
d. something light because I eat a bigger dinner.
e. other

3. I prefer restaurants that serve-
a. new foods often because I like to try new things.
b. the same foods because I like knowing I can get my favorite item there.

4. I would be more willing to eat lunch at an establishment if-
a. my food came with a toy.
b. Pif was in charge of the menu.
c. my foods gave me magical powers.
d. b

5. I eat dinner out because-
a. I hate cooking.
b. to save time because of that 'always on the go' thing.
c. of the atmosphere/social reasons.
d. other.

6. I prefer restaurants (for any meal) that-
a. are fast.
b. are cheap.
c. have slutty waitresses.
d. are fast, cheap, and have slutty waitresses.
e. don't smell like truck drivers and human pee.

7. Pif's survey is rather odd and full of questions that appear to not actually be helpful but I'm taking it anyway because-
a. I'm morbidly curious.
b. I'm under the impression there's a reward at the end.
c. she threatened me and I'm afraid for my life.
d. I'm waiting on my slutty waitress to bring my food and thought I'd kill some time.
e. it's for my psychology class.

8. Question number 8 is awesome because-
a. it's not really a question.
b. it demonstrates the end of Pif's attention span.
c. ducks are cute.
d. eight sounds like ate and this survey is about food.

9. Pif should stick to her day job and not become a professional surveyor because-
a. this survey is pointless.
b. she's easily distracted and can't stay on topic.
c. my slutty waitress is taking forever.
d. *spirit fingers!*

10.  Bachelor number 2, if we were out on a date and I spilled wine on my dress, you would-
a. spill wine on your shirt so we'd match.
b. yell at me for wasting a perfectly good glass of wine.
c. wonder where I got the wine inside a McDonald's.
d. tell me, "it's okay, I hated that dress anyway".
e. throw cheese at me cuz it always goes good with wine.
f. assume I was drunk and take advantage of me in the parking lot.
g. why the hell is this question in a survey about food?!
h. tell the waitress to cancel my chili dog.
i. order me another drink but have it served in a bowl.
j. use the opportunity to grope my chest while you dab the wine with napkins.
k. laugh and point.
l. silently mouth to your mother, "I'm gonna make HER pay for that".
m. ask me to wear a white t-shirt on our next date.
n. whip out your Tide stain pen and save the day.
o. whip out a pair of scissors and cut the stain out.
p. whip out a camera and post pics on facebook.
q. splatter the rest of my dress with wine so it looks like a pattern in the fabric.
r. plan an elaborate scheme to sue the restaurant out of millions.
s. tell me to stop crying, you're trying to eat.
t. comment on how that glass of wine cost more than my dress.
u. rip open your button-up shirt to reveal a spandex superhero outfit and fly me off to a land without stains.
v. use the wine stain as a Rorschach test.
w. tell me, "oh sheesh!...well, at least you're pretty".
x suggest we eat at the old folk's home next time so at least I'll blend in.
y. be tempted to order me pudding.
z. tell me, "at least YOU'RE old enough to drink!"

Eww!

I can't believe it's already been a month since I posted!! Sheesh!! I just wanted to pop in and remind you I'm still alive and share this completely disgusting and twisted little story with you. Just in case someone out there was misled into thinking I'm normal, let me clear that up right now by telling you, in one sentence, what I just did that is guaranteed to make you think "WTF?!". Ready? ..I just went to the pantry to check on my dead maggot collection, which is inexplicably growing.
 WAIT!
 Don't close my page! Let me explain. I have no food in the house because I have no time to make a menu or do my shopping (busy, remember?). I keep my pantry door shut but somehow moths are finding their way in. They lay eggs (which I can't find) that then hatch into what LOOKS like a maggot, but I guess technically they're caterpillars? A few weeks back, I pulled everything out and swept and cleaned the snot out of that stinkin' pantry and yet, they're still popping up. Every time I open my pantry door, there's another dead cater-maggot laying on the shelf. This makes for a very effective diet technique. They'd probably stop dying if there were food in there.
You thought you were gonna get a fun new healthy recipe, huh? Sorry..
Well, I'm off to work! Someone clean the pantry while I'm gone, please!!

Little Side Project

Hey, everyone! Again, I'm sorry I'm not finding the time to post as often as I'd like but let me try to explain just a little bit so you don't think I gave up blogging or I'm just some big slacker. I think I told you last month that a restaurant wanted to feature a dish of mine. Well, scratch that. I made ONE dish for the owner and they decided they wanted me to reinvent their ENTIRE MENU!!! Umm...pressure much?! Basically, I'll be responsible for the success or failure of their business. This is not a restaurant that's having a hard time keeping their heads above water; the owner is just sick of the menu and wants "something fresh". So, I'm working a full time job, going to school, AND working on a restaurant's menu. I think since my last post, I've eaten half an apple and a bowl of cold noodles and I've slept maybe 4 hours. OH! I did get to go buy a new outfit though so I'd look both cute and professional while delivering my proposal to the head honchos. I got the cutest dang shoes on the planet (5 inch heels!..HELLO!) and when I wear them, I'm the tallest woman alive (not really but let me have my moment)! I bought white pants and I rock the snot out of them! I've never owned white pants before so this is going down in my baby book. The head honchos are currently out of town on vacation while I'm diligently working on running their restaurant into the ground, but when they return and I strut on over there with my ridiculously over-the-top presentation and my obsessively anal-retentive organization in my adorable new outfit, I'll try to remember to snap a pic and post it for you. If I forget, just picture me looking fantastic, okay?
I've been absent so long I can't even remember what recipes I've posted for you! Let me jot down two recipes I eat ALL THE TIME just so you've got something new to try. If these are repeats, just nod your head and smile and you can roll your eyes and talk bad about me when I leave the room.

Hot Veggie Sammich
Dash of olive oil (I always use extra virgin cuz it makes me feel like I'm conducting some sacrificial ritual)
1/4 red onion, chopped
1/2 bell pepper (any color you like but I try to go with red or yellow), chopped OR 3 or 4 strips/chunks/blobs..whatever.. of roasted red pepper (usually in a jar found near the pickles or the canned veggies..depending on the store)
1 Tbs capers
3 button mushrooms, sliced
handful of fresh spinach (I leave mine whole but you could chop it if you like)
3 or 4 pieces of canned artichoke (usually found near the roasted red peppers and capers)

Heat the virgin over a flaming pit of soul-hungry demons or in a frying pan on med heat. Add onions and fresh peppers (if using fresh) and cook until they start to soften. I like my veggies still crunchy even after being cooked so I don't cook mine long at all, maybe a minute or two. I know a lot of people like them squishy so if that's you, I hope you're patient enough to saute onions for 5-6 minutes..cuz I'm not. After your onions are done to your liking, toss everything else in the pan and let it cook long enough to turn your spinach into that weird almost liquid-like wilty state it turns into when cooked. This is probably enough for two sandwiches so either be hungry or have a friend. I use Artisan dinner rolls for my bread (found in the freezer section). They're whole wheat, super nummy, bake in 7-9 mins, look fancy, and are big enough to fill me up when I'm not starving but small enough I can eat two when I am and not feel like a fat girl. Oh, and they aren't devastating calorically. You could also add vegan cheese (I'm quite fond of the pepper jack variation) but watch yourself because, even though it's not real cheese, the calories will add up quick! With the cheese left off and using good sense on the bread, this sandwich should run around 200 calories or less.

Salad
Handful of fresh spinach..okay, make it two handfuls
Handful of Romaine or red leaf lettuce (Iceberg has practically no nutritional value..it's basically crunchy water. Pick something darker green.)
Handful of fresh broccoli
1/4 red onion, chopped
Some of that fresh leftover bell pepper from the hot veggie sammich, chopped
Carrots, shredded (I use three baby carrots)
Radishes, chopped (I use two or three)
Tomatoes, grape or cherry (cuz they're cute and one less thing I have to chop)
1/4 cup dried cranberries (watch the calories on this item!)
1/4 cup (or less) of your favorite nuts. Peanuts, almonds, and cashews are my favorite. (high calorie warning!)
Any other vegetable on the planet, chopped

Wash, chop, and toss all that in a big bowl. Now let's talk about dressing options. Bottled dressings are evil. I'm crunched for time this morning (shocking, I know) so I won't be able to go into detail on why they're evil and show you the scientific research to back up my statement; you're just going to have to either believe me or do your own research. If you aren't into research but need more proof, here- "Bottled salad dressings are evil. Listen to Pif." That statement was taken from Dr. Fictitious from the Pseudo Research Laboratory in Spurious, California. There. Believe me now? 
So what are your options? OH! OH! *raises hand and jumps up and down* I KNOW! PICK ME! You actually have more options than you realize. Let me share my two favorite with you (cuz I don't have enough time right now to share more). Pickled dressing and Salsa dressing. Don't look at me like that..they're good! Really!

Pickled Dressing
Jar of your favorite pickles (I use butter pickles that have jalapenos in the jar..they're called sweet and spicy something-or-other)
Jar of Banana peppers
Anything else pickled that comes in a jar that you like. I also use a jar of jalapeno relish.


I dump all this in a mixing bowl, mix them together, sometimes leave the pickles in slices and sometimes I chop them. That was absolutely a horrible sentence structure which included a comma splice but I don't really care. Let's move on. After I mix that together, I then refill the jars in which they came (but I pull the labels off so I don't get confused), making sure I also bottle the juice. I now have three jars of the same pickled salad dressing mix. I like pickles and I like spicy so I'll dump 1/3 or even 1/2 of a jar in my salad at a time (depending on the size of the salad). Tip- divide your salad into your serving before adding the topping. That salad is probably too big for most people to eat in one sitting so use the rest for tomorrow's lunch.

Salsa Dressing
Deep red juicy tomato (buy a tomato from the store and let it sit on the counter for a day or two..it will ripen)
Red onion, chopped
Cilantro
Squirt of lemon or lime juice
Dash of Turmeric (it's a spice..I didn't just make up that word)
Jalapenos, diced (wear gloves and wash your hands half a dozen times when you're done)

Chop your tomato directly over a bowl because you want all your tomato juice. Add all your ingredients (jalapenos are optional if you don't like spicy...but know that spices and food with "heat" actually raise your metabolism) and mix well. Turmeric and lemon juice help to cleanse your liver. Learn to love them.
You now have Salsa which goes deliciously over our salad. Again, I store the dressings separate from the salad so my salad lasts longer in the fridge and doesn't get all soggy from the dressings.

You could eat that entire salad, complete with either of our dressing options, for well under 300 calories (depending on how much nuts and cranberries you add).

Okay, I gotta run out the door! See ya soon!!
xoxox

Is it really June?!?!

Hey, everyone! Sorry I've been absent for the last couple months! I've gotten pretty dang busy and am finding it difficult to find time to post new recipes. I've literally been eating salads and hot veggie sandwiches for months now because I haven't had the time to play with new recipes. I've gotten several awesome sounding recipes via email from a couple different people and I'm dying to try them and write about them on my blog so that's a goal of mine. I currently have two full time jobs and am a full time student as well so eating and cooking have become privileges instead of priorities. So far today I've had a bag of vegan BBQ chips and half a Cherry Coke Zero. As I'm writing this I'm doing a load of laundry, finishing up my homework, making tomorrow's to do list, mentally planning on where I'm going to be putting the new flowers I got a week ago and haven't had time to plant, trying to remember the last time I wore clean clothes, and throwing together my supper before I have to get back to work. Also, I wanted to mention, I've been approached by a local restaurant who wants to feature recipes of mine and has asked for ideas to widen their lunch menu. Anyway, I just wanted you all to know I'm not neglecting my blog on purpose and I am still eating vegan, I just haven't had time to play in the kitchen much lately. I will try to manage my time a little better and perfect my multitasking skills and keep you all updated on recipes and such but please be understanding of my crazy schedule. Thanks! 

Grammy's Banana Bread

This is not vegan but everyone deserves a little treat every now and then! This is a great way to use up those bananas you left sitting out too long and are now too squishy to eat. This also happens to be my Grammy's recipe so I only made one tiny alteration to it (omitted the salt) and I will eat this even though it's not vegan, because it reminds me of her.

1/2 cup margarine
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
3 very ripe bananas
2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sour milk (see below)
pecans are optional

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a bread pan and set aside. Cream together margarine and sugar, add eggs and beat well. Combine your flour and baking soda and mix it well with your egg mixture. Add your milk and mix it again. If you like pecans or walnuts, add them now (probably 1/2 cup). Pour mixture into your greased pan and bake for about an hour. I'm not sure why but sometimes this takes 45 mins and sometimes it takes a full hour. It'll be nice when I get my new oven and can give you better estimates, but until then, just start checking on your bread after 45mins or so! It's done when a knife or toothpick poked in the middle comes out clean.
This entire loaf has 2630 calories so if you cut it into 6 very thick pieces, each would cost you 438 calories. If you cut the loaf into 10 slices, each would run 263 calories. Add more if you added nuts to your mix and add even more if you smothered your slice with butter before you ate it!

A few tidbits for you- baking soda has 1259mg of sodium per tsp so you do not need to add salt to this to get the benefit of the sodium kicking up the flavor. Salt is only added to baked goods for preservation and since the invention of refrigerators and freezers, it's irrelevant. Plus, this bread won't last long enough for it to require preservation. Do your body a favor, and do not add salt to your baked goods!
If you do not have sour milk (and who does these days?), measure 1 cup of fresh milk and add 1 Tbs of either white distilled vinegar OR 1 Tbs fresh lemon juice and allow it to sit for a few minutes before adding it to your dough. It will thicken up and get a little lumpy but it blends beautifully and seems less icky than spoiled milk.  

Circus Clown Car Peppers

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up!! Here before your very eyes is a recipe guaranteed to blow your face off! Or make your nose run, at minimum. Direct from whichever foreign country appeals to you the most, I give you the Beautiful.... the Alluring... the Delicious Ancient Sweet Red Pepper....

And it's sideways...*sigh*..pretend it's not, k?
Not only does this pepper make fire engines jealous, but it can also juggle six elephants while riding a motorcycle blindfolded, has the ability to swallow flaming swords while jumping upside down on this massive trampoline, AND is able to knit the cure for cancer out of mere pocket lint and some dental floss while pedaling a ferocious lion with one foot!
Ladies, I ask you not to scream and gentlemen, hold on to your hats! I give you....CIRCUS CLOWN CAR PEPPERS!!
*cue circus music*

3 Ancient Sweet Peppers (taste very similar to regular red bell peppers)
1/4 cup dry Quinoa
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup dates, chopped
3 green onion stalks, chopped
1 can (14 oz) diced tomatoes with chilies (this is what added the nose-watering kick, NOT the peppers)
1 can (15 oz) black beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 tsp curry
3 Tbs almond slices

Preheat oven to 375*.
Wash off your peppers and slit them open on one side, leaving stems intact. There aren't many seeds in these so it won't take long to scoop them out. Put your peppers into a baking dish and set aside.
In a ridiculously large bowl, add your Quinoa and water and toss it in the microwave for 6 minutes. If you chose to use a medium bowl instead of the ridiculously large one like I suggested, congrats...you get to clean out the microwave.
While that's making a mess in the microwave, stand there and wait cuz there's no sense in getting two bowls dirty.
After your Quinoa has finished decorating the inside of the microwave, go ahead and add the remaining ingredients (except the almonds) to your little bowl...ya, you'll use a bigger one next time, huh? Mix it well and scoop it into your peppers. This divided almost perfectly to fill three peppers. I think I had a bean and a half left over in the bowl. Sprinkle a Tbs of almond slices on top of each pepper and bake for 15-20 mins or until heated through and peppers are tender.
These vegan delights are just 270 calories per pepper and super yummy!! How did I get so much flavor in 270 calories?!? Well, my friends, THAT is why these peppers are Circus Clown Car Peppers..cuz I have no idea how I got it all in there!! Actually, the dash of curry and the dates really made this dish. Leave either of those out and I'll sick my ferocious lion on you.